


Nearly Witches

by kikubeamblah



Series: Untangling The Lanes [4]
Category: Free!
Genre: Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 08:55:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1504382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikubeamblah/pseuds/kikubeamblah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rin goes to boarding school and rooms with Nitori. From the beginning, Nitori notices that in spite of his innocent face, Rin has a dark side. Slowly he draws out this dark side in a complex physical relationship, which is occasionally interrupted by Rin's feelings for his childhood friend, Haruka. Yaoi: Rintori. Could be considered semi-canon for UTL, or can be read on its own.</p><p>There is a backdrop of RinHaruka in this as there is in the entire series which this is a part of, but this particular part is strongly Rintori.  If you're a fan of UTL and want more background for Rin/Haru's relationship you should read this; but it's really a Rintori fic if read on its own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nearly Witches

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I hate long A/Ns, so I promise this will be the only lengthy one. “Nearly Witches” can either be read as a story on its own, or as semi-canon with UTL (my fanfic “Untangling the Lanes” also posted on FF). UTL is a semi-AU story about the boys being gay that is a little darker than the anime. 
> 
> \---
> 
> For those of you who have not read UTL: no biggie. There are some some spoilers for it/the characterizations may be a bit bizarre to you - you will almost certainly feel that Nitori is OOC, but I tried to give some explanations for his manner. Mostly, there’s some spoilers for UTL, so if you WANT to read UTL, you should read it first, but you’ll be able to understand the story without reading UTL. I made sure of it.
> 
> \---
> 
> For those who have read UTL: the primary changes are how Rin begins using and the timeline
> 
> Drug use - How Rin’s drug use begins isn’t explicitly stated in UTL, but in my head canon, I don’t actually see him using drugs with Nitori until after he goes back to public school. I see Nitori using them, but Rin choosing to protect his body for races against Haruka. Cue Nitori rolling his eyes. I do see Rin drinking with Nitori a lot, but no drug use. I see the drug use beginning after moving back to public school for Haru, getting beat by his mom again, but now being unable to escape her. I see him stealing them from his mom’s stash to cut some of the pain (Nitori’s idea). I see her beating the shit out of him for stealing them, and him too high to give a fuck. I might write this as a short extra at some point, the reason it wasn’t included in the original is because I have a hard time writing scenes involving physical abuse.
> 
> The Timeline - Basically, because I don’t write underage explicit scenes, the timeline for UTL gets thrown off, Rin basically has no time to go back to public school for Haruka’s sake which is super important in UTL. He does go back in this story, but I see him going back for longer in UTL. It’s much more of a sacrifice than it seems like in this.
> 
> I’m not sure if you guys care about the above, but I thought it might be of interest to some of you.
> 
> \----
> 
> A/N continued: So, everybody, the purpose of this story was that I wanted to torture Haru some and get more into Rin’s past with Nitori. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.
> 
> For anyone who thinks Nitori is out of character: I tried my best to make him believably OOC, I think his character gets more believable as it goes on. If you really hate the characterization, just think of it as Rinsterbation, because honestly, it kind of is.
> 
> Title and lyrics which will appear way in the future are taken from the Panic at the Disco song, “Nearly Witches” which is BEAUTIFUL and you should listen to it. For seriousness.
> 
> I don’t own anything not the lyrics, not Free!, not anything. This is a fucking fanfic. Also, it’s pretty damn adult. You really shouldn’t read this if you aren’t an adult.
> 
> Warnings: Drug use, abuse, underage drinking, Nitori and Rin being very selfish dicks, and also touching each other’s dicks

Rin collapsed on his bed.  He had mostly unpacked his stuff from Australia.  He was not happy to be here, especially for his senior year.

That wasn’t even the worst part.  The worst was being close to his Mom.

Rin hated such close proximity to his mother, he was definitely not back in Iwatobi by choice.  In fact, he had fought hard to never have to come back here.  However, his coach’s hands were tied when his mother came out to Australia to visit Rin.  She was overall unimpressed with his results, and demanded more, “You’re just like your father, Rin, a disappointment.”  

Rin hated his mother.  He especially hated when she compared him to his Dad.  He hated her so much, that out of stubbornness, he decided to follow his father’s dream.  After all, his father was her excuse for anytime she chose to hurt him.  “You can go to Australia for one year.  You can have one year there.  One year to prove to me that you’re actually worth anything.”  

That night she hadn’t even hit him.  She didn’t have to.  Her drunken slurred words did all the necessary damage.

Rin had adored his coach in Australia.  The coach was kind to Rin, he was patient.  But, not even his coach could stop her from making him back to Iwatobi.  Luckily, his coach had helped him get into this boarding school, “This way, she can’t get to you.  This’ll give you some distance.  And Rin, if it ever gets as bad as it was, we can figure something out.  Call me, if you need anything,” Rin didn’t hear this part though.  He listened to his coach say the words, but they didn’t reach him.  After all, his coach hadn’t been able to keep Rin in Australia, so what could his coach do when he was back in Japan?  Still, his coach tried to convince him that this academy was the right place for him, “You should be happy though, they have a good swim team.  You should be honored to swim for them.”

Rin thought back to that time sadly.  His coach had been sort of right though, there were great swimmers here, new challengers, and most of all, he was back close to Haruka and his sister.  Rin adored his sister.  He had no concern about their mother with his sister, his mother only tortured him.  Because you look just like your father.  And while it was great to be back close to Gou, it was nothing compared to being back close to Haruka.  Haruka had been the one friend who Rin had been truly sad to leave behind.  Rin couldn’t exactly explain his feelings about Haruka.  One thing was certain, Rin did not love Haruka.  Love wasn’t real.  But, there was something about Haruka, that made Rin feel strange.

Haruka was one reason why Rin was glad when he came back to Iwatobi.  But, that had been kind of fucked up too.  After all this time, he finally beat Haruka in the pool, but Haruka had been out of training for over a year.  It wasn’t the same.  It didn’t count, and it made Rin unhappy.  And yet, thinking about the time that he had been swimming with Haruka had given Rin a strange feeling.

He wasn’t getting...He couldn’t be getting...And there it was, he was rock hard.  Something about thinking about Haruka’s body in a swimsuit made him incredibly hard.  This wasn’t new.  He got this same strange feeling about Haruka back before he left for Australia, and it was one more reason that Rin had wanted to leave to go to Australia.  The feeling hadn’t disappeared while he was in Australia, but it had been easier able to ignore it.  Being back here though, and having swam against Haruka made this feeling come back full force.

Fuck, Rin thought.  He checked his watch, he wasn’t sure when his roommate was supposed to arrive.  “Sometime after 4,” is what the R.A. had told him.  It was 3:55.  Not enough time, Rin thought.

He decided to distract himself in other ways, he pulled out his computer and checked the stats of some of his favorite swimmers.  About 10 minutes later, his roommate walked in.  The man was in the same year and was the same age as Rin according to their roommate info cards.  Seeing him in person though, he was a lot cuter than in the picture, “Hey, I’m Nitori,” the silver haired man waved.

Nitori was wearing a swimsuit and had clearly come straight from the pool, he smelled like chlorine, a scent that pleased Rin, “Matsuoka Rin.”

“Nice to meet you, Matsuoka-sempai,” he stressed the sempai and got out some cologne to cover up the smell of chlorine.  Rin liked the chlorine, but Nitori's cologne smelled sweet.

“Aren’t you my year?”

“Yeah, I’m like a month or so older than you, sempai, but I got held back for making some trouble,” Nitori smirked, and ruffled through one of his drawers, and pulled out a bag of white powder and waved it at Rin.

Rin’s eyes widened.  Drugs?  Not like it was his first time seeing them, in Australia, his teammates always partied, but Rin stayed away from that.  Or rather, he was kept away from that.  He hadn’t been able to make many friends in Australia.  No one liked the extra attention that the coach gave him.  Not that they knew the real reason for it.  They probably wouldn’t have envied him had they known.  But, Rin kept his mouth shut about his problems.  He had focused solely on his training.

“I’m a problem student, Matsuoka-sempai.  I was kicked out of a few other boarding schools, but this one has let me stay so far,” Rin stared at him, Nitori continued to explain, “My parents are fucking loaded, so they pay the school to turn a blind eye and here I am a junior, again.  Maybe this year I’ll actually fucking finish it,” Nitori slid the bag back into his drawer.  

Rin was a senior and Nitori was supposed to have been too and was in essence one.  That was why they’d been roomed together.  Rin nodded slowly, he wasn’t sure how to respond exactly.

Then, without a word, Nitori pulled his swim trunks straight down.

Rin’s boner which had settled down, came back immediately.  He flushed at the sight of the other man’s dick and closed his eyes.

“Yeah, it’s my room so, I don’t see any point to being uncomfortable changing in here.  You shouldn’t either,” Nitori was obviously trying to make Rin feel more at home, but then he added something in a flirtatious voice, “I don’t care if you watch, sempai.”

There was something about the way Nitori said sempai that was condescending, annoying, whiny, and strangely, sexy all at once.  Rin turned redder as a result, but he slowly opened his eyes.  He was a bit disappointed to find that his roommate had put on a towel.

Nitori laughed and winked, “Shower time for me.  I’ll be locking the door.  Can see it in your eyes, sempai, you wanna follow me in, for now though, you’ll just have to use your imagination.  Maybe if you interest me, I’ll fuck you.”

Rin was dark red, Who the fuck is this guy?

Nitori went into their bathroom and locked the door.  He started their shower and began to wash himself off.  Rin laid on his back on his bed with both his hands by his sides.  He wouldn’t be using his imagination for anything.  Not even to think about Nitori’s sexy abs, or how tight his ass looked through his towel.  No, stop, he thought.  But fuck, his roommate was hot.

 

XXX

 

Nitori came out of the shower wearing a towel, and checked the trash, “Did you come in your pants?”

Rin stared at him.

“No?  And you didn’t come in a tissue, there’s none in the trash, how disappointing.  Maybe you don’t find me hot, sempai?” Nitori asked.

Rin’s mouth gaped, he couldn’t believe how freely the other man could say some of these things, “It’s not that…”

“So, you do find me hot?” Nitori asked, dropping his towel and revealing his entirely naked body.

Rin exhaled, “No wonder your room was the only one that still had no roommate.”

Nitori burst out laughing, he was still naked, and the way, he was laughing made his dick jiggle a bit.  He got some clothes out of his closet, and dressed himself.  As he got dressed he said, “Oh my god.  I like you.  You’re the first person to say something like that to me.  You may actually be worthy to be my roommate.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “Like you get any choice.”

“Most people end up running to move back home.”

“Not going to happen,” no roommate could be as bad as the one who lived in Rin’s home.

“Oh,” Nitori asked, “Is that a challenge?”

Rin sighed.  Then, he smirked, knowing how to take the upper hand, “Look.  I’m your senior, so you have to respect me.”

Nitori laughed again, “That’s fucking hilarious, sem-pai,” again it came with the attitude.

Nitori was fully dressed now, he was dressed like a prep.  Collared shirt and brightly colored pants.  He flopped down on Rin’s bunk, the lower bunk, next to Rin, “So far, you are much, much less annoying than any other roommate I’ve had.  I may actually be willing to live with you.”

“I’m surprised they don’t just give you a single if you’re that fucking rich.”

“Eh, my parents tried.  The administration is against it.  Supposedly having a roommate builds character or some shit.  

"But, truth be told,” Nitori faced Rin, “I enjoy this game.  I enjoy scaring my roommates away.  It’s fucking fun.”

Rin shook his head, “You’re terrible.”

“I am, sempai,” This time sempai came out differently.  Nitori said it in a way that begged for the senior to punish him somehow.  But his voice quickly changed back to the same flirty, condescending one, “And you’re fucking mesmerized by how terrible I am.  I see it in those incredible red eyes.  You’re as bad as me, Rin,” Rin enjoyed hearing Nitori say his name, it was the first time Nitori had used it, “You just need a little push.”

Rin closed his eyes, boarding school was definitely different.

“And I have just the thing,” Nitori hopped up off the bed and rummaged some.  He pulled out a flash, “Drink up.”

“No thanks.”

Nitori took a giant swig, “There, now if you drink, it’s like indirectly kissing me.”

Rin stared at him for a minute.

Nitori laughed.

“You’re an ass,” Rin said.

Nitori nodded, “Come on. Have some.  Don’t tell me... is it your first time?”

“No,” this was true.  Once back in Australia after a meet, his teammates had actually invited him out.  He played King’s Cup, lost and got pretty drunk.  He got sick and didn’t really remember it.

“Then, why are you hesitating?”

Rin shrugged.

“I bet you’re a lightweight.”

Rin’s eyes narrowed.  Nitori was playing with his competitive spirit, “Fine.”

“Good, we’re bonding.”

Rin grabbed the flask out of the silver haired man’s hands and took a swig.  It was something hard, “Whiskey?”

Nitori nodded, “And some vodka, and some other stuff.  It’s a batch I make myself.  I call it the Nitori Special.”

“Yeah?” Rin asked, taking another smaller swallow, he didn’t want to seem like a pussy.

“It’s popular here.  The guys all call it the Panties Drink.”

“What?” Rin asked rolling his eyes.

“After a few swallows,” Nitori said the word slowly, making Rin feel his pants tighten.  Nitori continued, “girls are willing to take off their panties.”

Nitori paused, and then added jokingly, “You’re not a girl though, sempai, so you should be okay.”

Rin glared at the silver haired man.  Nitori chuckled, “So, why are you here anyway?”

Rin didn’t answer.

“Come on, we’re bonding, tell me.”

“I moved here from Australia.”

“Yeah, I know that, it’s on that stupid roommate card,” Nitori took the flask back and took a drink.

“Given how many roommates you’ve probably had, I’m surprised you even read them anymore.”

Nitori laughed, “Good point, but come on.  No one goes to boarding school without some reason.  You’re obviously smart, but you’re not here cause you’re a nerd.  So that one is out.  You’re obviously a scholarship kid, so you’re not here cause you’re rich.  This is a swimming school, and you’re obviously a swimmer,” Nitori’s eyes glanced over Rin’s body, “but you could train anywhere.  Why go to Australia as a Japanese person to train, only to return to Japan?”

Nitori was surprisingly perceptive, “My mom wasn’t impressed with my progress.”

“She wasn’t impressed with your progress in Australia?  You were training under one of the best coaches in the world, an Olympian, what the hell does your Mom know about swimming?”

Rin said nothing.

“There’s more to this,” Nitori stated.

Rin took the flask from the silver haired man and swallowed hard.  Nitori’s eyes narrowed, “I’m getting somewhere.”

“Fuck off,” Rin answered.  He was learning quickly that this was going to be the way to handle Nitori.

Nitori shook his head, “Oh chill out.  We’re having fun.  Let’s see, I’m guessing something happened and you got thrown off the team, so you had to flee Australia, and as a result ended up back in Japan, and then, your Mom threw you out and you ended up here?”

Rin raised his brows and shook his head, “Definitely not.  I already told you.  She wasn’t impressed with my progress in Australia, so I’m back in Iwatobi.”

“Back in Iwatobi?  That means your Mom lives here.”

“Yes, Sherlock,” Rin rolled his eyes.

“So why are you at boarding school?  And not at home as a commuter student?  You should definitely be commuting given that it board racks up your tuition fees, even if you have a scholarship...” Nitori looked over at Rin.  And suddenly, he noticed them.  Rin had quite a few small lines and marks on his arms that were visible, “Ah.  I’ve figured it out.  She wanted you to come back, so you did, but you figured out how to still keep your distance.  Hence, boarding school.”

Rin didn’t reply.

Nitori smiled knowingly, “She abused you and that’s why you went to Australia, isn’t it, sempai?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Rin asked, but he couldn’t cover the surprise on his face.  No one had ever noticed that before about him, and this stranger figured it out in minutes?

“Bingo,” Nitori explained sheepishly, “I’ve had a lot of roommates.  I’ve been in boarding school forever.  I’ve seen it all.”

“Well, fine, what about you?  Let me guess your story, then,” Rin was a bit annoyed by the silver haired man, “You’re a rich kid whose parents can’t stand the thought of raising you, so they sent you here and give you money because it’s easier than actually paying any attention to you.”

“Pretty much,” Nitori was quiet.  He sipped on the drink in the flask.

Rin exhaled, “Sorry, I…”

Nitori tapped Rin’s lips with a finger, “Don’t be a bore.  All things considered, my situation is a shitton better than yours.  Your Mom sucks and your life sucks.  My family may suck, but my life is kick ass.  I have unlimited access to money.  I can do whatever the fuck I want and no one can hold me down.  I have fun every fucking day.”

Rin’s lips curled up, it seemed a bit depressingly true, “My life does suck comparatively.”

“It’s fine.  I like you.  We can have fun together,” and Nitori leaned in to kiss Rin.

Rin’s eyes widened when Nitori made contact. His lips parted a bit, and Nitori slid his tongue inside.  Nitori’s arm slithered around Rin.

The room became fuzzy for Rin, and he pulled back, “What...What was that?”

“I thought you wanted to,” Nitori purred, “Was I wrong?”

“N-no...I just…”

“Oh my god,” Nitori grinned, suddenly knowing, “That was your first kiss.”

Rin didn’t reply.  He only looked away.

“You’re a virgin-sempai,” Nitori growled, “sexy.”

Rin flushed, “S-stop making fun of me.”

“There’s a beast inside of you, Rin.  And I’m gonna slowly let that shark out to play,” Nitori smiled looking into Rin’s red eyes.  Then, Nitori closed the cap on the flask, “But, not tonight.  You aren’t ready.”

 

XXX

 

Time passed.  Rin and Nitori stayed together and Rin trained hard.  Nitori was surprised, he hadn’t expected Rin to be terribly committed to swimming, but then, Nitori was introduced to Haruka and saw the look that Haruka caused to appear on Rin’s face.  And he was able to figure it out.  That night in their room Nitori said, “You like that Nanase-guy don’t you?”

“I don’t!” Rin answered defensively.

Nitori sighed, “It’s fine.  You can talk to me.  We are roomies, sempai.”

Rin rolled his eyes when Nitori said sempai.  But, then he found the words began to tumble out, “It’s...I don’t know.  He...he makes me want to work harder, and he’s attractive, but I just...he’s a lot better than me at everything.  He’d never recognize me the way I recognize him,” Rin couldn’t believe that he was telling Nitori this.  Rin mostly had tried to push these thoughts out of his mind in the past.

“Wow, you’re smitten!” Nitori mocked.

“I am not!” Rin answered, and he wasn’t.  Love doesn’t exist.  But, he’d be crazy to deny wanting to fuck Haruka.

Nitori grinned, “I think it’s adorable,” but something about the way he said it made Rin regret sharing anything at all.

 

XXX

 

Time passed slowly.  Rin and Nitori became good friends.  They supported each other on the team, and hung out together.  They drank a lot together, but Rin never took drugs with Nitori.  Not until a certain day came along.

“You have to protect your body for dear, Haruka, don’t you, sempai?” Nitori would ask, lighting some hash.  Rin got something of a contact high, but nothing like what happened later on.

 

XXX

 

After a swim meet against Haruka, Rin slammed the door to their room shut.  He flopped down on his bed and sighed.  He didn’t even bother changing out of his swimsuit.  Things were back to usual, he lost to Haruka and worse, ever since Rin had moved back from Australia, talking to Haruka was different.  Haruka was colder and meaner.  Haruka rubbed the win in and it just generally hurt.

Nitori slid into their room, “Oh, Rin.  You’re back early.  I bet you didn’t even watch my race, did you?”

“Sorry,” Rin answered his head still looking at the bunk above him.  He wouldn’t face Nitori.

“That’s fine, I know you were upset from losing so badly to Haruka-chan,” Nitori added the -chan to Haruka’s name to get a reaction out of Rin, and he was successful.

Rin turned over to his side and glared at Nitori, who peered innocently at him.  Rin sighed.

“I lost too,” Nitori also sighed.  He sucked on a bottle of water.

“I should have been there,” Rin apologized more genuinely this time, “I’m sorry.”

Nitori was surprised, and he went over and sat on Rin’s bed, “S’okay, Rin, I know how upset you are.  As for me, I don’t really mind losing.  Everything has a price Rin.  Winning has a price, and I wasn’t willing to pay it.”

“You look upset though,” Rin answered.

“I am, but not about losing,” Nitori sighed, “I’m lonely and bored and it’s my birthday.”

“It’s your birthday?” Rin sat up, it sounded like something the older man would say, just to fuck around, but his expression was unreadable.  
“Yep,” Nitori looked at Rin’s face, “Don’t look so worried.  I didn’t expect you to know.”

“We have to celebrate though,” Rin stated.

“Don’t want to.”

“But, birthdays are important.”

Nitori shrugged.

Rin clenched his fists, “Seriously, we should.  You only turn 19 once, Nitori.”

Nitori smiled, “Okay,” this was why he liked the redhead, Rin could be sweet, “Let me get out some party favors, then, Rin.”

Rin watched as Nitori took out a bottle of cologne and spritzed himself.  It was a scent that Nitori wore often.  Rin liked the smell of chlorine, but what Nitori covered it with smelled nice too, “That smells good.”

“My mom buys it whenever she goes to Paris.  Here, catch,” Nitori tossed it at Rin.  Rin read the label, Guerlain, “You can have that bottle.  I’ve got several more.”

Nitori continued to rummage, and Rin spritzed it around his bed.  He sniffed the air around it, the room filled with Nitori’s scent.  Then, Rin sat the bottle back on Nitori’s desk, “No, I want you to wear it.  I like it.  It smells nice on you.”

“Are you flirting with me, Rin?” Nitori asked, finally pulling out a box.  Inside were some syringes and some heroin along with a tourniquet, “Got it.”

Rin’s eyebrows raised.

“I’ve got some ideas about how we’re going to get your mind off of losing to Haruka, and how we’re going to make me feel less damn lonely.  How does that sound to you, sempai?  Will you celebrate my birthday with me?  The way I want to?”

Rin had never gotten high before.  Not truly.  Nitori smoking in their room didn’t count.  And yet, he always found himself intrigued by drugs.  Curious.  Now, more than ever.  What the hell did he have to lose?  He wanted to forget things too.  More than anything, he wanted to escape for five minutes.  Doing that with Nitori sounded nice.

Nitori walked over to Rin with the stuff, and kissed him full on.

Rin felt the room slip away.

“Well?” Nitori asked pulling back.

Rin nodded, “Yeah.  Let’s get high.”

“And?” Nitori asked, “do you want to forget about Haruka with me, Matsuoka-sempai?”

Rin knew what Nitori was asking.  Nitori was seeing if Rin was finally ready to fuck.  Haruka’s words echoed in Rin’s head from earlier, You trained for what, a year?  With an Olympian?  I trained for two weeks and fried you.  No wonder you’re back in Japan.  You couldn’t fucking make it in Australia.  Rin, I’ll always beat you.

Rin leaned in to kiss Nitori and as he did, he said, “Make me forget.”

 

XXX

 

Nitori prepared one of the syringes for Rin first, he sat down on Rin’s bed, and tied a tourniquet around Rin’s arm.  Rin winced a bit.  He was nervous.

Nitori kissed Rin to calm Rin down, “Relax, it feels incredible once it’s in you.”

Then, Nitori tapped part of Rin’s arm.  Rin had deep veins, but Nitori could find them.  Nitori slid the needle into Rin’s arm and filled his vein with the heroin.  It hurt at first, but Rin figured that was just his imagination.  He didn’t like needles.  And then, suddenly, bam.  This was being high?

It was the greatest feeling that Rin had ever had in the entire world, “Oh holy shit.”

Nitori grinned ear to ear, he removed the needle from Rin’s arm, and put it away.  He took the tourniquet back from Rin’s arm. Nitori kissed the part of Rin’s skin that the needle had broken, but Rin didn’t even feel it.  He felt completely different than he had five minutes before.  Before, he had been thinking about Haruka.  Before, he had been thinking that he was a loser for losing to Haruka.  Before, he thought Haruka would never look at him.  Before, he had been hating himself, he had been hating himself so much that he wanted to die.

Now, now was totally different.  Now, he felt great.  All those bad feelings disappeared.  He felt a perfect calm wash over him.  He had been feeling cold and alone.  He had felt his damp swimsuit and knew he had to change, but he couldn’t even bring himself to do that.  Now, though, he didn’t even notice the dampness.  Now, he was full of warmth.  He hardly noticed the cold, “This is...I feel so much better.”

“Most people get sick their first time,” Nitori admired Rin, “But I could fucking tell.  You’re just like me.  Drugs were made for us, Rin.”

Rin nodded a little, but he was focused on the warmth.  So, damn nice.

Nitori’s attention turned back to himself.  He grabbed a different syringe and used the tourniquet on himself.  Nitori didn’t have deep veins and so he shot himself up without a problem.  He did it like a pro.  No nervousness, nothing.  In and out.  He put the tourniquet and all the paraphernalia away.  He stood up, and shook around a bit, “Wow, I feel good.  It’s my fucking birthday, Rin.”

Rin smiled and nodded.  He was happy, so, so happy.  Nitori sat back down on the bed and began to kiss Rin, “I wanna feel even more connected to you.”

Rin agreed, “Yes.”

“I wanna take our loneliness completely away, Rin,” Nitori said, and he began to remove the redhead’s swimsuit.

Rin did the same to Nitori, and slid the smaller man out of his swimsuit.  Rin continued to kiss Nitori.  It was gentle, but there was nothing about it that could be called love.  His feelings about his roommate were complex.  For one thing, his roommate was definitely not Haruka.  But, there was still something about him that Rin found attractive.  It was probably his damn confidence.  The confidence that came with being the richest boy in school.  Also, the fact that Nitori was so much more experienced with everything and anything helped make Nitori hot.  Rin saw him as a teacher for all these sorts of things.  And, Rin wanted to be just like him.

Even though it was Rin’s first time, Rin knew how to take this forward.  He pulled back from Nitori and kissed down from his neck to his chest.  He tasted the chlorine and smelled Nitori’s cologne.  It was nice.  It was hard for Rin to focus on everything that was happening, but he slowly worked his mouth further and further down Nitori’s body.  Finally, he found himself looking at Nitori’s hard dick.  Nitori didn’t say anything, he waited for Rin to figure it out on his own.

Rin touched it with his hands.  He knew what spots had made him feel good, and so, he touched those spots on Nitori too.  Each of them caused soft mews to come from the smaller teen.  Finally, Rin went a little further, he used his tongue to lick up Nitori’s shaft.  On the tip of his tongue, Rin tasted Nitori’s precum.  Nitori’s mouth gaped open, seeing the redhead using his mouth to work on his dick made Nitori’s lips spread into a smile.

Rin began to suck on Nitori’s shaft, working it deeper and deeper into his mouth.  Nitori held himself back, but it was hot.  With one hand, he gripped Rin’s sheets, and with the other, he played with Rin’s hair.

Rin slipped his mouth off of Nitori’s dick and he focused on one of Nitori’s hands, the one which had been on his head.  He gripped it with both of his hands and slowly licked Nitori’s fingers.  Nitori moaned, “Tease.”

Rin nodded, and took one of his hands off Nitori’s.  He continued to hold the hand with the other and continued to use his tongue to lick the fingers and suck on them.  With his free hand, he pumped Nitori.

“R-Rin, ah-”

Rin smirked, and released Nitori’s hand.  Nitori let that hand fall to his side, and he put the other, the one that had been gripping the sheets, on Rin’s shoulder.  Nitori’s eyes told Rin what he wanted, and so, Rin went back to sucking and playing with Nitori’s dick.  Nitori groaned with delight, “That’s good, sempai.”

The word sempai made Rin feel himself manage to get even harder than he had been, and he found himself taking more of Nitori into his mouth.  Nitori’s tip, hit the back of his throat and almost made him gag.

“Slowly, Rin,” Nitori commanded knowingly, but he also exhaled deeply.  Watching the redhead and feeling his dick slip further into the redhead’s mouth was incredible.  If he hadn’t known it was true, he would have had a hard time believing this was Rin’s first blow job.

Rin slipped his mouth off of Nitori’s shaft and let his tongue slide across Nitori’s globes.  The silver haired teen’s mouth widened, “Wow-”

Rin raised his head, “Nitori...I…”

“What do you want, sempai?” Nitori asked collecting himself.

“I wanna…”

“Say it,” Nitori whispered.

Rin’s brows raised, Nitori was being an ass, “Fuck me.”

Nitori smiled, “Lay down.”

Rin laid on his back on the bed.  Nitori stood up and towered over him.

“Rin,” Nitori’s eyes were dark, “Remember.  And this is important, this means nothing.  This is going to be fun.  I’m glad you’re finally cutting loose, but part of that is remembering to never take anything seriously.  Remember how you feel right now.”

Rin nodded.  He was laying on his back on his bed now.  He was a little nervous, but he was also high.  And the high kept telling his brain, “Stop stressing.  Stop worrying.”  The high made it basically impossible for Rin’s anxiety to reach him.

Nitori pulled some lube from his desk.  He stared at the condoms inside his desk, seeming to debate about whether or not to get one.  He chose not to pick one up.

Rin looked alarmed.

“You need to learn to cut loose, Rin,” was the only explanation Nitori gave him.

Rin didn’t protest.  

Nitori squeezed the lube into one of his hands and lubed up his fingers.  He kissed Rin to get Rin to relax, and slid one into Rin’s tight ass.  Nitori’s dick twitched with delight, knowing that he was the first person to enter Rin in any way.  Rin moaned a bit.  No one had ever touched him like that, and it made him clench.  Nitori slid his finger out and added some more lube, he had expected Rin to be tight, but damn.  

Rin relaxed himself and prepared for Nitori to re-enter him.  This time, when Nitori slipped his finger inside, Rin was ready.  He didn’t clench, and Nitori rewarded him with a kiss.  Nitori moved his finger around inside of Rin, and then, removed it.  He added a second finger, slowly moving through Rin.  Finally, he entered his third finger.  Rin closed his eyes.  It hurt, but he kept himself from crying out.  He was embarrassed by his lack of his experience.  Even though the drugs in his mind kept telling him not to be worried about anything, this was it, he was about to lose his virginity, and he felt nothing.

Nitori removed his hand, and squeezed more lube into his hand.  He rubbed the lube along his shaft.  Then, he looked at Rin.  Rin nodded, and Nitori lowered himself slowly into Rin.  

“Damnit Rin, you have a tight ass,” Nitori rocked back and forth, trying to make it possible for himself to move.

Rin flushed, “You’ve got a big dick -”

Nitori grinned, “Yeah I fucking do.  So do you though,” and Nitori began to rub Rin’s dick to try to get the redhead to relax more so that he could slide deep enough into Rin to hit his pleasure spot.

Rin moaned, it was his turn to feel good, “Nitori-i.”

“Sempai,” Nitori growled teasingly.

This caused Rin’s body to twitch, and allowed for Nitori to slide deeper into him, “I fucking swear, Rin, there’s a beast in you, and slowly I’m uncaging it.”

Rin groaned with delight, but he couldn’t focus on what Nitori was saying, he felt too damn good.  And so, damn warm, “Harder, Nitor - ah - Nitori -”

Nitori had begun to hit the point in Rin that caused ripples of pleasure to bounce through him.  Nitori felt good too.  Rin was warm and nice around him, and so, damn tight.

The men went on for awhile, and Nitori and Rin continued to pleasure each other.  It built and built, until finally, neither man could hold back any longer, “Rin,” Nitori moaned.

Rin nodded, panting.  He was sweating.  He could feel that the bed was soaked beneath him, but it felt so good.  He didn’t want it to end, and yet, he felt like he was about to explode, “Cu-cum in me.  Fill me up, Nitori, ah - god...ah - please, Nitori-”

Nitori exhaled deeply, and pushed himself further into Rin, hearing the redhead ask for it was too much for him.  He felt a rush in his loins and then, he felt himself orgasm.  He felt the redhead’s body spasm around him and beneath him, and Nitori felt Rin’s cum hit his stomach.  He hardly heard Rin moaning around him as he came, it felt too good.

After he came, he stood still for a minute, collecting himself again.  Nitori suddenly felt the exhaustion hit him.  He slowly removed himself from Rin, and went to their bathroom.  Rin watched as the silver haired man walked away.  He returned with two warm wet towels.  He gently wiped off Rin, causing the younger man to twitch a bit.  His body was still recovering from everything that had happened.  Nitori wiped himself off too.  He tossed the towels in his laundry basket.

“You gonna ask me how you were?” Nitori asked laying down next to Rin, who still felt unable to move.

“Don’t have to.  I fucking blew your mind,” something about him had changed.  It had been changing slowly, and tonight, he felt he’d changed completely.  There was more to go, but he didn’t know that yet.  For now, he felt different.  It was weird.  It was only his virginity, he reminded himself, nothing important.  Only sex, it wasn’t like he suddenly loved Nitori or anything, but something about Rin was different.  He found his opinions changing.  He found himself feeling much more loosened inside.  He found himself not caring about anything.  Perhaps Nitori was right, perhaps there was a monster inside of Rin.

Nitori raised his brows and smirked, unable to deny the redhead, “Come here.”

Rin obeyed by kissing him, “Happy Birthday, Nitori.”

The two boys came down off their high together on Rin’s bed, curled up together.

  
  


XXX

 

Rin looked at his bed.  He remembered what happened the week before and it all felt so damn surreal.  He wanted it to happen again.  He wanted to be fucked by Nitori again and more than that, he wanted the feeling he had before, during and after.  That incredible high.  He wanted to experience the feeling that nothing was wrong again.

Because right at that moment, everything felt wrong.  He felt alone, he felt dumb, and it was all because his team captain had sent him home early from practice, embarrassing him in front of the team.  He felt like complete shit.  He collapsed on his back on his bed.

Nitori walked in soon after and saw Rin sitting on his bed in the dark, “Why so glum, sempai?”

Rin rolled his eyes.  He didn’t want to talk about this with Nitori.  He just wanted to escape.  He wanted to escape badly.

“It couldn’t be because of how fucking long it took you to swim the 500 today, could it?”

Rin turned over on his side and glared at Nitori.

“Dude, even I fucking swam faster than you today,” Nitori teased.

Nitori could be completely unreadable sometimes.  Honestly, he felt like Rin’s only friend at this school, and he had fucked Rin, taking his virginity, and they were supposed to be close roommates, but other times, like now, he’d get into a mood, and he’d be a complete asshole.

“Let’s get high,” Rin declared deciding that was one way to get Nitori into a better mood.  It had felt like so long since last week, and Rin wanted more.  He wanted to feel that high again.

Nitori shook his head, “Not in the mood.”

“Come on.”

“No.”

“At least let me have some.”

“Okay,” Nitori said, a cruel look appearing on his face, “Can you buy it, Rin?”

Rin gave him a look.

“Didn’t think so.  My shit is high quality.  You’d never be able to afford it.  It’s high quality and expensive.”

“Like money is fucking a fucking problem to you.”

Nitori laughed, “It isn’t.  But, everything has a price, Rin.  And if you want some of my stash, you have to fucking pay up.  Just like everyone else.”

Rin stared at him.  It was hard to tell when Nitori was being serious sometimes, “You didn’t make me pay last week.”

“Last week was different.  Last week, was my birthday and it was special.  Besides, you gave me something else I wanted.”

Oh, Rin thought, duh, “Fine.  You wanna fuck for it?”

“You’re used now, Rin,” Nitori teased, “looks like you haven’t got anything I want.”

Rin said nothing.  He wondered briefly what exactly had set the silver haired man off.  The redhead regretted saying anything to him at all when he came in their room.  Rin wished he had just put on his headphones instead and listened to music.

Nitori rolled his eyes, “Don’t make that fucking face.  Tell me Rin, what would you do to get some more of my stash?  Would you blow me in exchange for some? One little hit and you’re a fucking stoner.”

Rin sighed, “I should have just fucking stolen some before you got back from practice.”

“That, would not have been cool.  We’re supposed to be friends.  Friends don’t steal.”

“Friends share.”

“They do.  So, share that beautiful mouth with me, and I’ll give you some coke this time.”

Rin looked at the silver haired man, trying to decide if he was serious.  Nitori figured this out and nodded at him, “Come on, Rin.  What’s it gonna be? You gonna blow me and get high, or are you gonna lay on your bed moping?”

Rin succumbed.  He kissed Nitori.  For a flash, there was a slight look of disappointment on Nitori’s face.  This is how all people are, everyone can be bought for something.  But, the redhead tasted good, and Nitori recalled how his tongue had felt on his shaft, and decided this could be fair.

 

XXX

 

“I wanna fuck you,” Rin declared one day after their practice.  Nitori was sitting in the room, and Rin had just closed the door behind him.  

This declaration seemingly came out of nowhere, but over the last few weeks Rin had changed.  He had become rougher.  He had become stronger, both mentally and physically.  And now, even though this was no relationship, he was done feeling like Nitori’s bitch.

Nitori laughed.  He hadn’t meant to, but the way Rin said it, all demanding was so damn different than the man he had found in his room a few weeks ago.  Rin was changing, and Nitori liked it, “If you wanna do me, Rin, you’re gonna have to take it.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “Don’t be like that.”

“I’m serious, don’t be gentle, Rin.  Come here and take what you want,” Nitori enticed Rin.

Rin went over to him.  Nitori was sitting up on Rin’s bed.  Rin gently started to push Nitori onto his side, getting ready to flip him over.  But, somehow, Nitori had weighed himself down in a way that made it impossible for Rin to move him.

Nitori looked at Rin, challenging him.

Rin exhaled, “Fine, have it your way.”

He pushed hard, and the smaller man fell over onto the bed, his eyes had widened a bit, but he was smiling.  He enjoyed pushing Rin in new directions.  He enjoyed watching Rin become more dominant.  This was the day he had been waiting for.  He’d been waiting for this, ever since he had laid eyes on Rin.  And it was happening now.  Nitori put his hands on his ass, and kept Rin from being able to access him.

But, Rin was done playing around, he was tired of being a toy to Nitori.  He pushed Nitori’s arms down by his sides and pulled off Nitori’s swimsuit.  Nitori was rock hard.  Rin thought it might be his imagination, but by comparison, Nitori had seemed limp the day that he took Rin’s virginity.

Good, Rin, Nitori thought, take me.  Take me fucking now.

Rin hesitated slightly, this was still unfamiliar ground to him.  He was trying to gain some control in this thing, he’d never call this a relationship, but, he also didn’t want to hurt Nitori.  

Nitori, however, found himself getting bored.  He turned his head around and looked up at Rin, “The lube is in the desk,” What is taking you so damn long, Rin?  Get your hands inside me, “Unless you were planning to do me raw, sempai?” Nitori said sempai like a moan.

Rin narrowed his eyes, but he went to the desk.  He slid his fingers in Nitori.  He wasn’t as gentle with Nitori as Nitori had been with him.  Something about Nitori’s previous comment made him be rougher, but he didn’t allow himself to hurt Nitori.  He wanted to make Nitori feel as incredible as Nitori could make him feel.

Nitori moaned in a combination of slight pain and delight.  He was excited, so, so excited.  He couldn’t be sure what had made Rin decide to do this, tonight, but this was going to be the best, he could tell, he whined, “Ah - Rin, come on -”

Rin obeyed, he prepared himself and entered the silver haired man.  Nitori’s body seemed to fight back a bit, purely because of how tight Nitori was.  Nitori relaxed and Rin reached around the smaller man’s waist and used his hand to try to get Nitori to relax enough to let him enter more.  Nitori’s body relented, and Rin got deeper.  Once inside, Rin pushed hard.  Nitori felt incredible wrapped around him.  It was totally different than when Nitori fucked him, and yet, it felt just as fucking good, better possibly.

“That’s it, Rin, do me hard - ah,” Nitori moaned.  He was amazed.  Rin felt huge inside of him, his body spasmed around Rin’s big member.  He could barely handle Rin being inside of him, and yet, it felt incredible.

Rin continued to pleasure himself inside of Nitori.

Nitori continued to moan, “Let out that beast, Rin.  Let me see the shark, Rin!  Ah - Yes!”

Rin leaned over the smaller man and softly bit on his shoulder, then he moved his mouth around Nitori’s back and continued to place small bites on him.  Being inside of Nitori wasn’t enough, he wanted more.  He wanted to taste every inch of the silver haired teen.

Nitori groaned, “G-good.  Feels - so...ah!”

“Call me, sempai, Nitori,” Rin demanded, a bit embarrassed that the request fell from his lips.

Nitori’s eyes flew open at the command, Rin was hot.  Rin was not like anyone else in his world, and surprisingly, it didn’t scare Nitori.  It made him want Rin even more.  Nitori almost never let himself fall out of control, but, “Ah!  Seeempai!”

“Good.  Say it.”

“Sempai, it’s so good, sempai ah!” Nitori felt himself slipping out of control for the first time in a long time, and he enjoyed it.  Rin was different, Rin could have some power over him, without feeling like the world was going to crumble.  This was it, “Rin - Rin - I...ah!  Deeper, Rin.”

Rin didn’t obey.

“Sempai, please,” Nitori felt himself being drawn to beg.

“Better, louder,” Rin commanded, “I want the dorm to hear you.”

Nitori groaned, “Sempai, Sempai fuck me.  Sempai please.  Harder, harder please, sempai-ah!”

The master had become the teacher, and Rin fully intended to enjoy every ounce of pleasure that Nitori could offer him.  As for Nitori, he loved every moment of it, “Ah - Rin -” Rin slowed down and Nitori corrected himself, “Se-sempai, I- ah, I wanted this, so long, more, give me more!”

 

XXX

 

Nitori and Rin continued to party together.  They continued to fuck around, and it was something of a constant power struggle.  Nitori managed to dominate the relationship over all, but he loved whenever Rin would take the initiative to attempt to get more control.  Rin changed during the time that he had known Nitori.  But, it wasn’t a complete change.  It was something that had always been inside of him.

Nitori only made Rin feel okay with himself, okay with his flaws, thoughts and feelings.  Rin had become more confident.  Everything was different.  Not even Haruka beating him could matter.  Nothing mattered, it wasn’t a relationship, but it was a connection Rin had needed.

 

XXX

 

“Let that guy fuck you,” Nitori pointed at a random man.  They were at a bar.  This was what Rin and Nitori did these days.  Nitori gave Rin a fake, and they snuck into bars.  Guys twice their age would buy them drinks and Nitori would flirt with them.  Eventually, Nitori and one of these guys would sneak off to the bathroom together, and the guy would fuck Nitori or Nitori would fuck him.  

Rin wanted to do the same, after all, it was clear that his thing with Nitori was not ever going to be a relationship.  Rin didn't particularly want that from Nitori's anyway. Instead, like Nitori, he found himself wanting to explore and fuck other people too.  He wasn’t going to fuck these people to make Nitori jealous.  But, he was a little concerned that might be a consequence though, or maybe he wanted that to be a consequence.  He couldn’t tell and it was hard to always tell exactly what Nitori wanted or what he meant versus what he said.

Either way, Rin just wanted to have as much fun as Nitori did.  Nitori was happy in his Hell.  Rin was slowly learning how to be the same.  But, he hadn’t yet.  So far, even when he had dominated Nitori, ultimately, Nitori had been the one in control.  Rin was always just along for the ride.  And what a fucking ride it was.  Tonight though, Nitori wanted to have be different.  Tonight, Nitori wanted to change Rin even more.

“Not a chance.”

“Do it.”

“He’s a boring looking office worker.”

“He’s hot though.”

“Well, yeah but, he’s old,” Rin tried to find excuses.  Rin wasn’t exactly keen on sleeping with a stranger.  He wanted to explore, but...

“Well, think of how happy it’d make him.  He probably hasn’t fucked anyone as hot as you in years.  Plus, he looks dominant, and you know how much you enjoy that,” Nitori teased, “Go make his night.”

“No, I don’t even know him.  I’m not going to something like that with someone I don’t know.”

Nitori rolled his eyes, “Quit thinking about consequences, Rin.  Just do it.  And let him fuck you bare.”

“What if he has -?”

“Stop thinking.  Just do it.”

“Fine, I will,” Rin was annoyed.  He could show Nitori that Nitori wasn’t the only one who could do whatever.

Nitori laughed, “Let him do you right here.”

“In the middle of the fucking bar?”

“Yeah, why the hell not?”

“We’ll get thrown out.”

“Oh my god, fucking do another shot,” Nitori passed one to Rin, “you’re still holding back.  This is why you and Haruka-chan get along so well, you’re both fucking boring as hell.”

Rin hated the way that Nitori said Haruka’s name.  First of all, Rin hated thinking about Haruka in general these days, but mostly, he hated when Nitori mocked him.  Of course, Nitori had figured out that Rin liked Haruka.  Of-fucking-course.  Nitori had a sixth sense about everything that had to with Rin.  Still, Haruka was far from his life right now.  And Nitori used him as a way to torture Rin, “I am not boring.  And I am nothing like Haruka.”

“Prove it.  Go fuck that guy.”

“Won’t that hurt you?” Rin asked finally.  There was a bit of desperation in his voice, not that he’d admit it.  Rin enjoyed his time with Nitori and he knew that Nitori found Rin special.  Rin didn’t believe in love, but he wanted to try to find happiness with someone.  Isn’t that the way it was supposed to be?

Nitori rolled his eyes, “Remember what I said, Rin, nothing serious.  This is why you always get hurt when she hits you.  Because you take it seriously.  This is why you always get hurt when Haruka-chan beats you.  Because you take it seriously.  You take everything seriously.  This is why you’re caged up, Shark.  You have to step out and let the animal inside you out.  When you let loose, Rin, you can be free.  Look at me, for instance.”

Nitori didn’t always make sense, but Nitori was happy.  Nitori was fucking living the high-life.  And other than Haruka, who Rin seemed to have lost, and his sister who didn't really count, Nitori was Rin’s only friend.  Nitori was the only person these days that it seemed like Rin could count on.  And so, Rin nodded, “Fine then, I’ll let him fuck me.”

Nitori smiled, “Good.  And when he’s done with you, I’m gonna have a turn too.”

 

XXX

 

“Oh my god, Rin,” Nitori was drunk and stumbling as the two of them walked back over to his car.  Most students weren’t allowed to have cars for the school campus.  Nor were they allowed to drive them off campus, but Nitori was special, “That was so fucking fun.  I can’t believe you let him do you in the middle of the bar.  And the look on his face when he found out you were only 18!  Fucking priceless.”

“We got kicked out though, I doubt they’ll let us back in there,” Rin climbed into Nitori’s car.

“No biggie.  There are other bars around here.  Besides, we’re hot enough that those bouncers will always let us in.  You’ve got to quit worrying about shit like that.  You wanna drive?”

“What?” Rin asked.

“My car, do you want to drive it?”

It was a Mercedes.  There was no fucking way Rin was going to drive it, "Hell no."

“Pussy," Nitori snorted, "I’ll drive us back then.”

It crossed Rin’s mind that he shouldn’t let Nitori drive.  It crossed his mind that Nitori had had too much to drink.  Not that he believed Nitori would listen to him even if he warned him.  Besides, it wasn’t like Rin was in better shape, and he trusted Nitori.  And so, he buckled himself into the passenger seat.

 

XXX

 

Rin woke up in the hospital.  Nitori was in a chair next to him, “Welcome back, asshole.”

“What the fuck happened?”

“I totalled my car.  I got stitches.  You almost died,” he said it so casually that Rin almost didn’t believe it, but a dull pain all around his body indicated it was true.

He stared dumbly at Nitori.

Nitori shrugged, “My family is paying your hospital bills and everything.  And they covered up my drunk driving so we’re all good.”

Rin continued to stare.  Nitori didn’t apologize for what happened.  Rin figured that was because from Nitori’s perspective, Nitori had no reason to apologize.  Everything was paid and taken care of.  They were even.  And yet, Rin was in the hospital.

But, Nitori wasn’t finished catching Rin up.  He inhaled sharply, “There was one slight problem.  Our dorm room got searched and they found my weed.  They couldn’t prove which of ours it was, so we’re both getting punished, and I couldn’t get us out of that, cause the dorm mother is a bitch.  So, we’ve both been kicked out for a week as punishment.  On the plus side, you’ve now slept through most of that week though.”

Rin closed his eyes.

“I tried to get the school to let you stay with me at my house,” that hadn’t been easy for Nitori to try to do.  But, he had tried, he liked Rin after all.  If it had been anyone else, he wouldn’t have cared, but Rin was special to him, “unfortunately, they didn’t go for it.  The dorm mother seriously hates my guts and your mom put up a fight to force you to go home.  She’s a real bitch.”

Rin smiled weakly at this.  

“So, you’re gonna have to spend this weekend at home.”

Rin cursed.

Nitori stood up and leaned over and kissed Rin, “Shh, it’s gonna be okay.  It’s only two days.  I promise I’ll get you high and fuck you gently when you get back and I’ll kiss all your wounds away.”

The way he said it made Rin want to punch him.  He knew that Nitori was making fun of him, but Rin was scared to go home, “You fucking ass.”

“I’m serious.  I’ll take care of you, Rin,” Something about his eyes were different than usual, and it made Rin want to believe him.

“Thanks,” Rin rolled his eyes.

“By the way,” Nitori knew Rin didn’t believe him.  Rin couldn’t believe him, and yet, he knew that there was one thing he could say to make Rin happy, “You have another visitor waiting outside.  And you’re gonna be way more happy to see him, than you were to see me.”

Rin raised his brows.

Nitori didn’t say anything else though and simply went outside.

 

XXX

 

The man who walked in was dark haired and totally surprised Rin.  He felt his face get hot, “Ha-haruka.”

This was a totally unexpected visitor for Rin.

Haruka looked painfully at Rin, “I...I was really worried about you.”

Rin was surprised that Haruka had come to see him.  Things hadn’t been good between them lately.  They’d been extra competitive.  Things hadn’t been good between them since Rin left and went to Australia.  Rin slightly regretted that.  Not that he could give Haruka an explanation for his absence.  Not that Haruka would even be able to understand if he did.  He’d think I was weak.  He already never would want me.  That would just make him hate me forever.  All Rin could do was repeat his name, “Haruka…”

“I...I thought you were going to die…what were you doing getting in a car with a drunk guy?  I heard you were drunk too...I...Rin, what has happened to you?” Haruka asked.

Rin shrugged, play it cool, “It was really no big deal, Haruka.  We were just out having fun.”

“Just fucking stop,” Haruka yelled, slamming his hands down on the bed, “I was really fucking worried about you.  If something had happened to you.  I...I would have...I would have-” Haruka never displayed this much emotion and it surprised Rin.

Rin found himself starting to ask, “Haru, do you-”

Haruka stared at him desperately.

Don’t care.  Don’t think about the consequences, “Do you...have feelings for me?”

Haruka’s eyes widened.  He looked away.

Rin strangely didn’t feel any pain.  Nitori was right, he thought, when you don’t care about anything, everything is fucking better, “Nevermind.  Forget I asked.  No big deal.”

“It - It is true,” Haruka answered clenching his hands together, “I...I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, I just haven’t known how.  But, Rin, the thought of you dying, I just...I can’t.”

Rin smiled.  It looked like Nitori was right again, life was better when you weren’t serious, “I’ll be close with you, Haruka.  I’ll fuck you if you want, but I don’t want this to be serious, okay?  I don’t want to do anything serious.  I’m gonna fuck other people and you can too.  I don’t believe in love, Haruka.  It’s not real.  So, if you want something serious, you should look somewhere else.”

This all surprised Haruka.  It surprised Haruka that Rin was remotely interested in doing anything with Haruka.  Haruka never would have thought that would be possible in a million years.  And yet, here it was.  Rin wanted Haruka too?  Haruka felt his heart beat fast.  

But, this was different than what Haruka had dreamt about.  He expected them to be close.  He expected them to be gentle together.  Rin had changed when he went to Australia, and Rin had changed at boarding school.  And it hurt a lot, but Haruka assumed that if he could get close to Rin, that the gentle Rin he used to know would soon be back, “Okay.”

 

XXX

 

Rin was discharged from the hospital closely after.  His Mom picked him up and drove him home.  The whole time, she yelled at him.  The whole time she told him that he was a dumb useless fuck.  And when they got back to the apartment, she grabbed a bottle, and she drank up.  She continued to yell at him.  She continued to tell him that he was useless.  Rin sat on the couch waiting.  He knew what was coming, but he wasn’t ready for it.  She finished off the bottle.  It was one that she had clearly been drinking from previously.

“Rin.  Have you noticed it yet?” His mom’s voice was sugary, “I sent your sister out to a friend’s and you’re all alone here.”

He said nothing.

She took the empty bottle and slammed it hard on the counter.  It shattered into a thousand small pieces, “Look at the glass, Rin, that’s what you’re doing with your fucking life.  Just like your father.  You’re breaking everything.”

Rin was afraid.  He didn’t think he had ever made his mom this mad.  His mother grabbed one of the shards.  Rin’s eyes widened.

“Let me show you, what happens, when you break things, Rin,” his mother’s words were cold as ice.  She went over to him and she sliced his shirt.  She made several slashes in it and in his skin under it.  Strangely, he didn’t feel the pain.  It must have been the hospital painkillers.  But, he knew that it was going to hurt a shitton later.  For the moment, they were blocking him from feeling most of the pain.

She punched in him hard in the rib.  He winced.  That he had been able to feel.  She had hit him right where he had a wound from the car accident.

As a result of the impact though, Rin felt himself slip away.  This was what used to happen.  See, it hurt when she attacked him, but eventually, he’d get to a point where he felt nothing.  He slipped away into the nothingness.

Finally, it stopped.  The alcohol went to his mother’s brain, and she blacked out and Rin carried her to her bed.  As he always had.  The cuts weren’t deep enough to need to be treated, but he wanted to get out of that apartment as soon as possible.

He grabbed his duffel bag, which had everything that he had at the hospital stuffed in it, and he dialed a number on his phone.  Then, he went outside to wait.

 

XXX

 

A few minutes later, a brand new Mercedes pulled up in front of his apartment complex.  This made Rin roll his eyes.  Of course, Nitori’s parents had bought him a new car.  The window rolled down, “Wow, what a small building.  No wonder you picked to go to boarding school.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “Let me in asshole.”

Nitori’s eyes fell onto Rin’s shirt.  It was covered in his blood, “Not while wearing that.  These are brand new leather seats.”

Rin sighed, “Like you give a fuck about that.”

Nitori laughed, “You’re right, I don’t.  I just want you to take off your shirt.  Everything has a price, Rin.  This ride is costing you.”

“Quit being a dick, let me in,” Rin pleaded.

Nitori shook his head, “Take your shirt off, first.”

Their attention was turned to Rin’s apartment where the door opened.  Rin’s Mom was out on the balcony, “Rin, you fucking get back up here.”

Nitori hit the unlock button on the door hard, “Get the fuck in.”

Rin didn’t have to be told though, he was already halfway in the car.

“Rin, don’t you fucking go anywhere.  I swear to God,” she slurred and yelled coming down the stairs to them.

“Fuck you, bitch,” Nitori yelled back and he slammed on the gas.

Rin stared at him, “I can’t believe you said that.  She’s gonna fucking kill me.”

“No, she won’t,” Nitori answered, “besides, she probably won’t even fucking remember this.”

Rin sighed, “She will.”

“Oh fuck off.  You should be thanking me.  I’m your fucking knight in shining armor right now,” Nitori answered.

Nitori started to drive them towards school.  When they stopped at a redlight, Rin turned towards Nitori and kissed him full on.

Nitori pulled back, surprised.

“There’s my payment.  Thank you.  Thank you for coming for me.”

Nitori leaned back in and kissed Rin deeper.  When Rin pulled back, Nitori said, “That’s nice, but you’re gonna have to do more.  You’re gonna have to do a lot more.”

 

XXX

 

The two of them weren’t supposed to be in the dorm, not for another day and a half, but they managed to sneak in.  When they got back to their room, Nitori stated plainly, “Rin, you should fight back.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “What could I do?”

“Hit her back,” Nitori punched the air.

Rin shook his head.

“You should.  She’s not the fucking boss of you.  You could destroy her.  Why are you so afraid of her?”

“She’s my Mom, Nitori.”

“She’s a dumb whore.”

Rin glared at him, “Don’t talk about her like that,” Rin’s feelings about his mom were complicated, but she was his mother.

“It’s true though.  She’s a fucking whore, Rin.  I could see that she was more than purely a drunk.  She’s a fucking methhead or a cokehead, isn’t she?  I bet she’d suck a hundred dicks for just one bag of coke.  Maybe even just one line,” Nitori laughed pulling a bag out of his jacket pocket.  Rin’s brows furrowed.  Nitori went on, “Everyone has a price, Rin.  Hell, I bet she’d blow me for this bag.”

“Shut the fuck up, I’ll fucking kill you.”

“And you’re a fucking stoner just like her.  To get a line from this bag, what would you do?  Would you suck my dick too, Rin?  Just like Mommy?”

“Fuck off.”

“Rin, I’m gonna do a line, and you’re gonna watch me get high, and I’m not gonna let you have any tonight.”

“Fine with me,” Rin found the bottle of vodka hidden beneath his clothes and drank that instead.  As he had suspected, when they did the search, they didn’t find that bottle.

Nitori shook his head, “Stop being such a fucking bore, Rin.  You know I’ll give you some, but you have to earn it.  Everyone will do something for a price, Rin.  Just like with me continuing to be able to drive even though I fucking totaled a car while driving drunk underage.  The police have a price.  This fucking school has a price.  Everyone has a fucking price.  Money makes the fucking world go around.  Everything is about fair trade.  So, here’s some coke, and I know you want it.  You’re all cut up and hurt.  I know you have pain killers from the hospital, but they’re not as good as this are they?” He jiggled the bag.

Rin rolled his eyes and sipped on the vodka.

“Don’t drink that.  Come over here and blow me.”

“No,” Rin said stubbornly.

Nitori shook the bag, “I’ll give you a line, Rin.”

“Fuck you.  I fucking hate you.”

“Yeah?  I’m obsessed with you, Rin.  You’re my best friend in the whole fucking world.”

“You aren’t mine.”

“I know.  You have pretty, little, innocent Haruka.  Don’t think I don’t know that when he visited you, you guys started something.  I fucking know everything, Rin.   That’s written all over your face.  But, you called me, today, so what does that say?  It says a fucking lot about your feelings for him.”

Rin said nothing and Nitori went on.

“I totally don’t get your feelings for him.  I don’t get them at all.  I don’t get what it is that attracts you to him.”

Rin didn’t answer.

“Seriously, I talked to him while waiting for you to wake up.  He’s so fucking boring, Rin.  You’ve never been innocent or boring, Rin.  He’ll bore you someday.  You were made like me after all.  That’s why I flirted with you the day we met.  I could see it in those red eyes, you have the eyes of a caged shark.  You just needed someone like me to come along and set free what’s already inside you.”

“Yeah?  Then, why are you so cruel to me?”

“Because, even as fun as you are, you’re sadly not as special as me.  You’d never understand me.  Even though I can read you like a book, you’re too poor to understand me.”

“Ah yes, it’s so hard to be a rich boy, who is so loved by his parents, that no matter what shit he pulls, they continue to pay for him to be an asshole.”

“They don’t love me.  Love doesn’t exist, Rin.  That’s why we get along, you know that.”

Rin agreed with him about this.

“C’mere and blow me, Rin.  I wanna feel your lips around my dick.  I’ll give you some.”

“I’m not gonna suck you off in exchange for coke.”

“We can play this game as long as you want, Rin, but you know how it ends.”

Rin shut his eyes, “It hurts you every time we do this.”  And it hurts me too.

“Only for a minute.”

“I hate seeing you disappointed.”

“Yeah, well, I enjoy partying with you.  So, it ends up working out okay.”

“Fine, give me the bag.”

Nitori smiled, “Blow me first.”

“No, let’s just, let’s skip that shit tonight.  Let’s just get high.”

Nitori shook his head, “I want you to see what a whore you are, Rin.”

“What’s the point?  You know I am,” Rin’s voice deepened.

“If you talk like that, I’ll change my mind about what you’ll have to do for this,” Nitori smiled shaking the bag.

“Maybe I want to do something else tonight,” Rin answered.

Nitori grinned wider, “Say it.”

“I’m a whore.”

“That’s not all I want you to say.”

“I want you to fuck me like the slut I am,” Rin panted.

“In exchange for?”

“In exchange for some of that coke.”

“Good boy,” Nitori smirked.  But a part of him was sad, he wanted something different.  He wanted this to end differently, but it was always the same.  People were always the fucking same.  But, looking at Rin’s body, he could be distracted.  Rin was hot, and Nitori felt his desire to slip into Rin build up.  I’ll escape inside him for a minute.  He commanded, “Now, bend over, sempai.”

 

XXX

 

“It’s been so fucking long since we’ve gone out together,” Nitori bought their round, “Why don’t you ever call me anymore?”

Rin shrugged.  A lot had happened.  He had ended up moving back home.  He was finishing his last semester of high school in public school with Haruka.  That was part of what kept him away from Nitori.  But, there was more to it than that.  Not that Rin was going to share that with Nitori.

“Oh my fucking god, he specifically told you not to fuck me anymore, didn’t he?” Nitori asked laughing.  He had known that Rin had managed to fuck his old crush, Haruka, but he hadn’t realized how serious it seemed to be getting.  Rin and Nitori fucked multiple people, but for Rin to actually change himself for Haruka?

Rin sighed, Nitori always figured things out.  His perception when it came to Rin was annoying good, “He asked me not to fuck anyone we know.”

This comforted Nitori a little, it implied that Rin was still fucking men other than Haruka.  But, still, Rin agreed to stop fucking Nitori?  That was a surprise.  Nitori kept laughing, taking a deep breath he added, “And, you agreed to it.  That’s fucking hilarious, Rin.”

There was something about the way that Nitori said it that was annoying, Nitori continued, “Did he tell you to stay away from me too?”

“No.”

“You’d listen if he did though, wouldn’t you?” Nitori asked, and then, he turned cruel, “My poor pet shark who was swimming free in the ocean is all caged up again.”

“That’s not true, asshole,” Rin answered.

Nitori nodded, “It is, Rin.  And frankly, I’m disappointed.  I thought you were better than this.  I thought you were actually a fun guy, but you’re just like everyone else.  You’ve gone and found love and don’t need me anymore.”

“Love doesn’t exist, asshole.”

This made Nitori’s lips curl up, “Have you said that to Haruka?”

Rin nodded.

“You might actually be crueler than me, then.”

Rin looked at him, “That’s impossible.”

“What would you say,” and Nitori’s face turned soft and passionate, “if I told you that I loved you and wanted you to be mine and mine alone, Rin?”

“I’d laugh in your face,” Rin answered, knowing this was just a game.

Nitori smiled, “What about when Haruka says it to you?”

“Haru isn’t stupid enough to say something like that to me.  Nor is he stupid enough to think something like that about me.”

“Oh, but he will.  And you’re going to break his heart.  Haruka isn’t like you and me, Rin.  He needs love.”

“Love only exists in the movies, Nitori, people don’t love each other.”

Nitori sipped on his drink, “Wow,” he said finally, “You’re actually more fucked up than me.  And that’s fine, Rin, but you shouldn’t bring people who aren’t like us into your shit.  Haruka can’t handle your games with him.  Not like you and me.”

“Haru wants a relationship.  He’s easy to read.  I don’t.  He knows that.  And so, it’s simple for us.  You though, I can’t figure out what the fuck you want, Nitori.  What I do with Haru shouldn’t bother you at all.”

“I want love, Rin.  I want love to be real and I want it to exist,” the words that came out of Nitori were sincere, “I want it so badly.”

Rin stared at him for a moment, trying to discern whether the silver haired man was being honest or playing yet another game, “You’re being stupid.”

“So are you.  You being committed in anyway to anyone is stupid.  It’s especially stupid that it’s Haruka,” Nitori leaned in to kiss Rin, but Rin didn’t allow it.

Out of bitterness from the rejection of his kiss, Nitori taunted, “Have you told Haruka about your Mom?”

“No,” Rin eyed him suspiciously.

“I won’t tell him.”

This surprised Rin, he was expecting Nitori to use his mother as blackmail to get Rin to do something that Rin wasn’t supposed to do.

Nitori explained, “As long as you don’t tell him it won’t work, and that works in my favor.”

“I’m going home,” Rin had wanted to have fun with Nitori and get high with him, but he felt guilty playing Nitori’s games.  Rin always lost.  Something told him that it’d be better to just leave.  He had promised Haruka that he wouldn’t fuck the silver haired man, and there was something off about Nitori’s behavior that made him feel like they were inching towards dangerous territory.

“You and I are going to fuck again at some point, Rin,” Nitori said knowingly, “You can try to hide from your desire, but at some point, you’ll call me up and you’ll want me.  You’ll need me inside you.”

Rin shrugged, he wasn’t about to deny that he still desired Nitori, but Haruka had asked, and Rin complied.

“What will you give me in exchange, Rin?  Everything has a price,” Nitori sipped his drink, “and you still haven’t figured out mine.  You’d better hope you can pay up.”

“You’ll never say no to me,” Rin whispered in Nitori’s ear and kissed the silver haired man’s cheek, causing Nitori’s eyebrows to raise, “and yes, you know I still want you, and you know I will always want you, but I get you now, Nitori.  I get why you play with me so hard.  I get why it’s so fun for you.  It’s because it’s fun bringing out the darkside in someone.  And I’m enjoying bringing it out in Haruka.  You bore me by comparison to him.”

Rin walked away and left.  Nitori said to himself, “Rin, you don't get it at all.  Haruka doesn’t have a darkside.  Not like you and me.  You’re only playing with yourself.  If you want to see a darkside, wait until you see what happens when you lose him.  I’ll be happy to show you mine then, Rin,” Nitori laughed and finished his drink.  He felt good and drunk.  He turned to a man sitting across the counter alone, “I’m bored and lonely.  Wanna fuck?”

 

XXX

 

Part 2

 

XXX

 

Rin looked down at his phone, there was a text from Nitori.  They had been talking again recently.  At that moment, Rin was seated in the Tokyo U cafeteria sipping on a hot chocolate.  

Rin was in college now and his entire life had changed since the previous year.  In some ways, it was hard to believe everything that had happened.  Moments like this though, he remembered that it had only been a little over a year since he had first been living with Nitori.  

So much had changed, none so much as his relationship Nagisa, who Rin always thought of as an acquaintance.  Now, Nagisa was his best friend.  They were both students in the same business program, after all.  And they both had been drawn together by their shared misery.

Rin and Haruka had gone off their separate directions.  Haruka was now living in Europe with Makoto, because Makoto had gotten him scouted for some special swimming training program.  Rin swam for Tokyo University, which made him relatively accomplished as a swimmer, but nothing like Haruka.

As for Nitori and Rin, well, Nitori was still in high school, and that had been the primary reason that Rin hadn’t reconnected with him after Haruka ended things with Rin.  Outside of Nagisa, Rin had been mostly alone in Tokyo.  He had joined a fraternity to make more friends, but they weren’t terribly close with Rin.  None of them were as close to Rin as Nagisa at that particular point.  And his friendship with Nagisa was completely different than either of his relationships with Haruka and Nitori.  Probably because Nagisa was truly a friend of Rin’s.  Rin liked their relationship that way, so did Nagisa, but it left them both somewhat empty.  Perhaps that had been one of the reasons that Rin had recently started to talk to Nitori again.

Rin preferred to think that it was because he had lived with Nitori, that he decided to reach back out to him again.  Not because of loneliness.  It’s hard to let someone simply fall out of your life when you room together for a full year.  It’s even harder when you lost your virginity to that person.  Much as Rin would have liked to believe otherwise, there was something that drew him to the silver haired man, and there was no way for him to escape it.

And so, late one night when he had been working on a paper, when he saw that Nitori was online, Rin sent him an instant message on Facebook.

“Hey.”

Nitori didn’t answer until morning, and Rin half regretted sending it, but Nitori did answer and his answer changed everything.

“Hey, Rin, long time.”

“How have you been?”

“Well, yourself?”

“Good.”

It was awkward, Rin realized as he chatted with Nitori.  He felt guilty that he had lost touch with Nitori.  He felt worse trying to reconnect though, because it had not turned out the way he had wanted.  This was so damn formal, and the content had no depth until Nitori wrote, “It’s pretty funny that you contacted me now.  I’ve been actually looking for a place to stay in Tokyo while I go look at schools.  Could I crash with you?  If not, I totally understand.”

Rin didn’t really think about the consequences of this, when he wrote back, “Sure.”

“K.  See you next week, then.  Send me your address and everything when you a chance.”

Rin did, and he thought, oh what the hell.  It’s not like I’ve got any reason not to see him.

 

XXX

 

Rin and Nagisa frequently got ramen together at a stand close to the Tokyo University campus.  They did what most typical university students did: talked, ate, drank, and complained about life.

“So, how’ve you been, cutie?” Rin asked Nagisa.  Nagisa rolled his eyes.  Rin had a tendency to flirt, but it was completely platonic between them.

“You know how it is.  Still adjusting to living in a city,” Nagisa’s voice trailed off.

Rin rolled his eyes, “You just want me to treat, don’t you?”

This made Nagisa crack a smile.  Rin knew that the real reason why Nagisa had a hard time moving to Tokyo had nothing to do with city.  The true reason was that ever since Rei dumped him, Nagisa had not been as happy in his life.  Rei had dumped Nagisa back when they were still in high school, and he had done so because Nagisa had chosen to go to a school far from Iwatobi.  Nagisa blamed himself for it, and was not adjusting to the single life well.  But, Rin tried not to bring that up unless Nagisa did so first.  

As a result, Rin spent a lot of his time trying to brighten Nagisa’s day.  Slowly, Rin was helping Nagisa move on from Rei.  Slowly, Rin was helping Nagisa embrace solitude the way that Rin had.  Nagisa replied with a smirk, “I wouldn’t mind if you did.”

Rin sighed and shook his head, “I’m gonna have to get a part time job at this rate.”

Nagisa laughed again.  Nagisa was actually well off, much more well off than Rin, and fully intended to pay his share, “I’m just teasing.  How have you been lately?  Any new conquests?”

“You know how it is,” Rin winked.

Nagisa laughed.  He had no problem with Rin’s partying or anything like that, but he hoped for the red head’s sake that someday, he’d be able to work things out with Haruka.  Nagisa privately thought that Haruka was the only person in the world who could make Rin happy, but Rin pretty fervently denied it, “So, what else is new?  Aside from that fucking project for Management?”

Rin smirked, “Not much.  I swim, I go to school, and I get fucked up.”

“Ah, yes, Tokyo U’s star swimmer,” Nagisa motioned towards a newspaper clipping hanging on a small cork board on the stand.  The ramen stand was primarily supported by Tokyo University students and so, to show their support for the university, they frequently hung photos and newspaper articles about the Tokyo University sports teams.  Hanging on the board was a recent article that had been printed during the past week about Rin.

Rin flushed, “I can’t believe they put that in the school newspaper.  And the fucking photo.”

Nagisa laughed, “Meant to tell you, I saw some girls in my dorm hung that picture on their walls.”

Rin sighed.  He had been interviewed by the school paper for setting a university record in swimming, and as part of the article, they requested a photo.  Of course, it had been the day that he had been wearing a speedo.  Not that Rin had minded at the time, he was proud of his body, but the photo was circling everywhere.  Even his professors had commented on it.

“It’s good press for you though, isn’t it?” Nagisa asked grabbing some of the noodles in his ramen.

Rin nodded, “Some scouts for the national team saw the time in the article and are gonna be watching me swim next week.”

“Oh?  The national team?” Nagisa asked, turning to face Rin.

“Don’t make that face,” Rin bit into the egg in his ramen, “Even if they were interested, I’d still want to go to college, so I’d continue my training here.”

“That’s not why I’m making this face,” Nagisa replied.  Haruka was also on the National team.

Rin frowned, “Haruka’s training is in Europe, Nagisa.  I am going to continue my school work no matter what they offer me.  And besides, Haruka is going out with Makoto, even if he were living and training here, it wouldn’t matter.”

“What if they pay you a million dollars to go to Europe?  Would you go there?”

“They wouldn’t do that.”

“But, if they did?”

“No,” Rin answered.  He would have liked to go to Europe, and travel around the world, but Japan was his home.  Besides, he had a lot that held him here, for one thing, he was concerned about the blonde’s depression.  And, he did like going to school at Tokyo U.  Plus his sister lived in Japan.  There were a lot of reasons he could come up with, but the primary one was that Rin did not want to have to engage with Haruka.  Rin didn’t love Haruka, Rin didn’t love anyone, but being around Haruka and knowing that Haruka was with Makoto was difficult for him.  Not that he’d ever admit that.

Nagisa sighed, “You’re dumb.”

Rin laughed, “Yeah.  Even I know that.  I do dumb things all the time.  Most recently, contacting a certain someone via Facebook last night.”

“Who?” Nagisa asked mildly curious.

“Nitori.”

Nagisa’s eyes widened.

“He was online late, and so was I and you know, I just decided to send him a message.  He didn’t reply until today.”

“Dude…” That was all that Nagisa could manage to say.  He could not control who Rin dated or fucked or anything like that, and it was one thing for Rin to be a player with people in the city.  It wasn’t like he was with Haruka, but Nitori and Rin were a dangerous combination.  Nitori had almost killed Rin back when they were in high school.  Rin’s behavior was dangerous enough on its own, and so was Nitori’s.  Together they enabled each other.

“He’s coming for a week and staying with me.”

“Dude,” Nagisa said again.

Rin smiled, “I know.”

“So basically, if I don’t hear from you for two weeks, you’re probably just dead drunk or stoned in some small corner of Shinjuku?”

Rin laughed.

“Are you at least going to invite me out with you guys?”

Rin nodded.

“Do I even want to go out with you guys?  I’m gonna be a fucking third wheel, aren’t I?” Nagisa made a face and ate a piece of bamboo.

“It’s not like that, nothing’s gonna happen.”

“Bullshit.”

Rin shook his head, and grabbed the spoon and began to slurp some of the soup.

“Oh fucking hell, you know you’re full of shit, Rin.”

“Eh, I’m not attracted to him anymore.  It’s been a long time.  We’re gonna be just friends.  As for him, he just needs a place to stay in Tokyo while he looks for schools.”

“Uh huh.  And suppose he does come to school here, will you be with him then?”

Rin shook his head, “It’s not like that.  If anything happened, it’d just be sex.”

“It’s never ‘just sex’ with him or Haruka for you, Rin,” Nagisa said softly.  He was probably the only person who could say something like this to Rin, but Rin brushed him off.

“You know I don’t believe in love.”

Nagisa sighed, but he said nothing.  Just because you don’t believe in it, Rin, doesn’t mean you don’t feel it.

“Anyway, it should be fun, it’ll be nice to see him again.”

“So, what kind of game are you gonna play with him?” Nagisa asked knowingly.

Rin smiled, and took a giant gulp of beer, “I’m gonna have to see.”

“That sounds dangerous.”

“It will be, but there’s no need to be jealous, you just say the word, Nagisa, and I’d give you some lovin’ too,” Rin winked.

Nagisa rolled his eyes.  Rin was only teasing him after all.  That wasn’t their sort of relationship.

Nagisa grabbed their receipt off the table and got out some money.  Rin put his half on the table too.

“You wanna go to a club in Shinjuku tonight?”

“Yeah, sure.  Let’s get drunk and find me someone to fuck,” Rin winked, “gotta be at the top of my game when Nitori gets here.”

Nagisa sighed.

 

XXX

 

Nitori got out of the subway station in front of Tokyo University, Todaimae.  He was excited to be in the city.  He felt a bit excited to see Rin too.  He was surprised that the redhead had contacted him, as the two had grown apart.  There wasn’t any particular reason for it exactly.  Haruka had told Rin to stop fucking Nitori, but he hadn’t completely banned Rin from talking with Nitori.  Even though neither of them had been in a relationship with Rin, it seemed as though it was either Nitori or Haruka in Rin’s life and couldn’t be both at the same time.  Now, though, Haruka was out of Rin’s life.  He had been out of Rin’s life for awhile, but Rin had taken his time in contacting Nitori.  But, he had and so, perhaps Rin would be back to his old self.  The self that Nitori had liked.

Rin leaned against one of the entrances to the subway station, the one at which he had told Nitori to meet him.  Nitori appeared in front of him with a small suitcase, “Hey.”

“Hey yourself,” Rin replied smiling.  He hadn’t expected to feel this giddy about meeting the smaller man.  He caught Nitori in an embrace and noticed that Nitori was thinner than he remembered.

Nitori smirked, “So, let’s see that tiny hole you’re living in.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “I could leave you to stay on the street.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Nitori’s eyes flashed at Rin, but then he shrugged, “Well, it wouldn’t matter, I’d just go stay in the Imperial Hotel.  It’s where I was originally planning to stay after all.  And, it’d probably be better than wherever you live.”

Rin rolled his eyes, the Imperial Hotel was one of the most famous, most expensive hotels in Tokyo.  Of course, it had been where Nitori had been planning to stay while in Tokyo.

The truth was that Nitori had even booked a suite there, but when Rin contacted him, Nitori decided to change his plans.  He kept his reservation for the suite though.  He chose not to share this with Rin, not unless things happened to go in a certain direction.

“So, you’ll be staying in my apartment off campus.”

“You have an apartment off campus?” Nitori was a bit surprised.  He had expected Rin to be staying in some small dorm room.

Rin nodded, “It’s not much, but yeah, I have my own place.”

“So, you must have gotten a swanky scholarship then.  Typical Rin,” Nitori smirked.  Rin had been both smart enough and talented enough to get the highest level scholarship that Samezuka offered after all.

Rin sighed.

“So where is this apartment?”

“Nearby.”

The two boys walked down a couple of blocks.  Rin took them through the campus because it was a shortcut, but that ended up being a mistake.  He had forgotten about the frontpage newspaper article, and as they were cutting through campus, they happened to pass by a stack of school papers.

“Oh my god,” Nitori reacted, immediately recognizing the redhead.

Rin sighed, “Come on.”

Nitori passed by without picking one up, but he engaged in conversation with Rin about it, “So you’ve been pretty focused on swimming?”

“Something like that.”

“Planning on getting scouted?”

“We’ll see.”

“Haruka-chan swims for the National Team, doesn’t he?  Are you planning on swimming for them and winning him back?”

Rin sighed.  He was getting a bit sick of people asking him that question, Nagisa had asked it previously and now, hearing it from Nitori, “I’m just swimming for fun.  I’ve never been as talented as Haruka.  I’m happy for him, but I seriously doubt I’ll swim after college.”

“That’s a shame, you could make money to afford a bigger apartment than this one if you did,” Nitori commented, looking at the building that they were standing in front of.

Rin didn’t respond and only dragged the smaller man to his room.  It wasn’t very big.  Typical for Tokyo.  He had a small kitchen, toilet, shower, and then a 6 tatami sized room.  There were two futons laying on the floor with a small screen between them.  Rin hadn’t been sure whether or not to set up the screen, but he decided that until his present relationship with Nitori was made more clear he’d put it up.

Nitori smiled, “Really though, it’s perfect.  And how sweet, you’ve even set up a futon for me.”

Rin blushed a bit, “It was nothing.”

“Was smart of you to put up a screen,” Nitori stated, “after all, I have a boyfriend now, and he wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was sharing a bed with my old roommate.”

This came as a complete shock to Rin.  He had told Nagisa that he hadn’t expected anything to happen with Nitori, but it was sort of natural that something would happen.  It was Nitori after all, but Rin played it cool, “Oh yeah?  That’s good.  Anyone I know?”

Nitori shook his head.  He made an unreadable expression.

Rin smiled, “Well, I’m sure he’s nothing on me.”

Nitori laughed, “Oh he’s fun,” and to tease, Nitori added, “And dead sexy.”

Rin rolled his eyes, typical.  He wondered though about why Nitori was telling him this.  Maybe Nitori really did want to be just friends then?  Or was he trying to make Rin jealous?  Rin tried not to think much about it.

Nitori narrowed his eyes at Rin waiting for the redhead to catch on.  And suddenly Rin realized it had been a lie.  The whole thing had been a lie.  Nitori was testing him.  Nitori was playing with him.  This was a game to him.  That’s why he decided to stay here with me, Rin realized, he thought it’d be fun to fuck with me.

“Of-fucking-course.  I should have known, there’s no way anyone would be able to put up with your shit.”

This made Nitori laugh.  Rin showed Nitori an empty drawer and Nitori began to unpack his things, “It’s gonna be a fun week, Rin.  It’s been a long time since you and I got to live together.”

“Should I be charging you?” Rin asked, teasing the other man.  Nitori tended to be a little over obsessed with cost.  Rin assumed that it came with his insecure feelings about his wealth.

“Funny,” Nitori smirked, “But, seriously.  For this crap place?  You shouldn’t even pay.”

Rin sighed, “So, what’s your schedule this week?”

“I’m going to Waseda, Keio, and Tokyo U for interviews.  I’ll probably do some shopping too in Ginza or Omotesando.  Maybe even a little sightseeing.  And, I’m determined to either hook up with one of my interviewers or with a salaryman for some big company.  Preferably one with a wife who doesn’t think he is gay,” Nitori winked at Rin, “And I assume you’ll be doing 5 am practices?  I’d go with you to one of those if I could?”

Rin nodded, “Yeah, you can come.  They’re open practices.  Nagisa wants to hang, so we can all go out together if you want.  I’d be down for watching you harass some store owners.”

Nitori laughed, “Yeah, I wanna buy presents for my Mom.”

Nitori and his mother were close, in spite of how much Nitori pretended otherwise, and Rin knew this well, “So which of these schools will you go to?”

“Meh,” Nitori shrugged, “I don’t really want to go to college.  My family is a Keio family though, so probably Keio.”

Nitori wasn’t like Rin.  College for Nitori didn’t matter.  If Rin wanted any kind of life at all he had to go to college.  In this respect, Nitori was more similar to Nagisa, but being as super-rich as he was, he was even unique in that manner.  Nagisa’s family cared about where Nagisa went to college because a good education meant entering a good company and so on.  But, Nitori’s family was beyond that.  College was just window dressing, “That’d put you nearby,” Rin said finally.

“That a problem?” Nitori asked.

Rin shook his head, “It’d be nice if we could hang out more.  I’m happy you’re here for a week.”

“Yeah.  I can understand why you went so far from Iwatobi, but, you went a little too far, I think.”

Rin shook his head, “Not far enough.”

Nitori laughed, “Well, we can go far away this weekend,” and he showed Rin a bag of pills, before sliding them into the drawer too.

Rin nodded, “Yeah.  Yeah, we can.”

 

XXX

 

That night, Nitori passed out early.  He reviewed his notes for his interviews and then told Rin, “I’m tired, I’m gonna take a shower and then, crash.”

He did just that, and afterwards, he went to sleep.  Rin followed shortly after he finished working on his project for his Management class with Nagisa.  Rin was a bit surprised by Nitori’s lack of advances, and his lack of advances on Nitori, but he assumed that would change if and when they went out together to party.

The following morning, Nitori got up with Rin.  He slipped into his swimsuit privately, which was also surprising to Rin.  He half expected Nitori to be just the same as when they were in high school.  He had expected Nitori to change in front of him, and yet he didn’t.

In the morning, however, Nitori did make a comment on Rin’s body, “Wow, you look better than you look in that newspaper picture.”

Rin flushed, “Let’s just go swim, okay?”

 

XXX

 

“So?” Nagisa asked slurping on his soup.  The pair was at their ramen place for lunch, while Nitori had gone to his first day of interviews with Tokyo University.

“So what?” Rin asked.

Nagisa looked at Rin.

“We didn’t hook up last night,” Rin explained, “he spent the night prepping for his interviews.  Even though he doesn’t have to, I guess he’s taking this rather seriously.”

“Mmm,” Nagisa could understand that.  Even though he took his familial obligations more seriously than Nitori, even people like Nitori could feel pressure, and the college interview process in Japan was stressful.

Rin sighed, “I can’t figure out what he wants.”

“Huh?” Nagisa asked.

Rin shrugged, “Nitori...He always has an agenda, and the last time we really saw each other in person, I was mean to him, but he doesn’t even seem upset or anything.  He’s so damn hard to read.  I thought for sure he’d want revenge or some shit.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Rin shrugged, “We did go swimming this morning.”

“Oh goddamnit Rin.  Are you going to admit it yet?”

“I told you nothing happened.”

“I mean, that you want something to happen?”  
“Yeah...Yeah I do.”

Nagisa sighed, “Dude you are playing with fire.”

Rin kissed Nagisa’s cheek flirtatiously, “Don’t worry babe, I won’t get burned.  He’s going back to Iwatobi this weekend, I know it wouldn’t be anything but sex.”

Nagisa flushed and gently pushed Rin off of him, “Stop that!”

 

XXX

 

Later that night, the three men met up at the front of Todaimae station dressed to the nines.

“Let’s get started,” Nitori declared pulling the bag of pills he had shown to Rin the day before.

Rin smiled, and pulled out a flask which had filled with rum.  Nitori eyed it, “Is that?”

Rin nodded, “Yep.”

Nagisa looked at both of them a bit confused, but neither explained.  It was the flask that Nitori had the first night that he and Rin met, back when they were originally put together to be roommates.  It was the flask that they had bonded over.

Nitori grabbed it, “I’m surprised you kept it,” and he washed one of the pills down with the rum.

Then, Nagisa took a turn, and finally, Rin, “Of course, I kept it.”

Nitori had given it to Rin when Rin declared that he was going to move back to his Mom’s house and be closer to Haruka for his last semester.

“You’re gonna need this, if you’re gonna have to live with her again,” Nitori handed it over, “it’s full of the Nitori Special.”

Rin laughed, “I couldn’t.”

“Keep it.”

The flask was Vuitton and Nitori had half expected Rin to pawn it.  He took it back from Rin and ran his fingers over it.  It was worn, but it wasn’t in bad shape.  Obviously, Rin had been using it for the past year, Rin smiled softly, “Just like an indirect kiss, right?”

Nitori looked up at Rin, it was a reference to what Nitori had said when they had met.  Nitori smirked.

Nagisa somewhat figured out what was going on and huffed.  He was quickly becoming a third wheel and he didn’t like it, “Get a room you two.”

“We have one,” Nitori mused, two actually.  But, the second one is a surprise.

Rin took a few more pills with Nitori, but Nagisa held back.  Nagisa partied with Rin frequently and could hold his own, but he could tell that this was a pissing contest between Nitori and Rin, and he was quickly discerning that he was going to be the sober cab tonight.

Rin felt himself get drunk pretty fast.  The world was spinning as it always did when Nitori declared, “Well, are we going to a club or are we just gonna spend all night on the street?”

Rin laughed.  The three of them got onto the subway going to Shinjuku.

 

XXX

 

In the club, Rin and Nitori split up from Nagisa.

“I thought he wanted to hang out with us?” Nitori joked, but Rin was already moving up against him.

Nitori didn’t push him away.

“Are you mad at me about Haruka?” Rin asked while gently grinding against Nitori.  He was some combination of drunk and high and that removed his concern about touching any difficult subjects.

“No,” Nitori answered, “or did you want me to be?”

“A little,” Rin replied huskily.

Nitori smiled, his back was to Rin and he could feel Rin’s breath against his neck, “You wanted me to be mad at you?”

Rin shrugged, getting more daring, and nibbling on the silver haired man’s ear lobe, “I wanted to see that it made you feel something.”

“Fine then, it made me mad at the time,” Nitori turned and gently kissed Rin, “but, it’s been a long time, Rin.  I’ve been lonely.”

“You’ve gotten so damn thin,” Rin’s arms were wrapped around his waist.

Nitori shook his head, “You’re just comparing me to Haruka.”

Rin gripped him tightly, “Not true, I remember exactly how you felt in my arms.”

“Oh?” Nitori turned around and faced Rin, “I don’t want this to mean anything.  I just want to have a fun week in Tokyo, Rin.”

“I know.  Me too.  I haven’t been with anyone seriously ever, you know that,” Rin answered.

Nitori nodded, “Okay,” and he pressed his lips against the redhead.

Nagisa, who had been in the bathroom, walked by at that second.  He didn’t say anything and he knew he couldn’t stop Rin, but he felt a bit of sadness.  He wondered how he and Rin had both ended up so alone.  Then, he looked over at a dark-haired gentleman sitting at the bar.  He went over and the man bought him a drink.

 

XXX

 

“I can’t believe you kept that flask,” Nitori was leaning up against Rin now.

Rin leaned against the wall of a store.  He was trying to walk back to his apartment with Nitori, “Hold on, hold on, I can barely fucking stand, oh my god.  I haven’t been this fucked up in ages.  Of course, it happens with you.”

Rin’s phone beeped like 8 times.  Rin looked down at it and slowly focused his eyes.  It was hard to read, the words were blurred, but he saw several missed calls and texts from Nagisa.

“Who’s that?” Nitori asked suddenly aware that the redhead was looking at his phone.

Rin typed slowly and intentionally.  He reread again and again what he was writing as he wrote it, hoping that his drunk ass made sense, “Nagisa.  He’s checking in on us.  Wants to make sure we’ll get home okay.”

“Oh, we’ll get home okay,” Nitori smiled, “lemme have the flask.”

“You’ve had enough,” Rin said.

Nitori rolled his eyes, “One more sip.”

“Okay, okay,” Rin handed it to him.

Nitori naturally chugged the remainder of the liquid.  Rin sighed, “That was dumb.”

Nitori shrugged, then feeling himself lose control of his body, he accidentally dropped the flask on the ground, “Oops.”

Rin leaned over to pick it up.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Nitori said, suddenly feeling very sick.

Rin grabbed the flask and led Nitori to a trashcan.  Nitori didn’t make it, and instead vomited in a bush while Rin held him.

“You’re too small to drink as much as you did,” Rin said softly.  Unsure why he found himself in this position with Nitori.

“Oh fuck off, Rin,” Nitori replied annoyed.  But, with the alcohol coursing through his veins his emotions were flexible, “Is it broken?”

Rin looked at it, the flask was more scratched than it had been, but because it was empty, Rin couldn’t determine whether or not it would still work, “Dunno.  It’s probably fine.”

“If not, I’ll just buy you a new one,” Nitori offered.  He had been truly surprised that the redhead had kept it.  Rin pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and helped clean Nitori up.

“I’ll save this,” he slurred and slipped it into his pocket after Rin helped him get cleaned up.

Rin shrugged, “Whatever.”

“Why’d you keep the flask, Rin?” Nitori asked not willing to let it go.

“Because you were important to me, Nitori, so of course, I kept it.”

Nitori sighed, “But we were broken up.”

“You and I never went out Nitori.”

“Oh don’t say shit like that.”

“It’s true though.”

Nitori rolled his eyes, “Fine, whatever, Rin.  Are we almost back yet?”

Nitori was beginning to feel nauseous again.

“We’re here.”

The two of them entered Rin’s apartment, and Nitori went straight for the bathroom to vomit again.  Rin, in spite of his drunkenness, found himself in the kitchen preparing okonomiyaki.  Rin’s favorite anti-hangover food was okonomiyaki.  He prepared some for the other man too.

Not hearing Nitori speak for awhile, Rin went in to check on him while he cooked.  He found Nitori moaning with his head leaning against the toilet seat, “I had too much to drink.  It’s fucking impossible to be around you, Rin,” Nitori groaned into the toilet.

Rin sighed, and scooped the smaller man up.  He got a washcloth and got it wet with hot water.  Then, he wiped off Nitori’s face.

“That feels nice,” Nitori smiled a bit.  His face was flushed dark red from the alcohol.

Rin gave him some mouthwash to get rid of the taste of vomit and Nitori rinsed out his mouth.  He found that he had trouble getting his muscles to work well with him.  Luckily, he knew he wouldn’t remember much of this in the morning.  Rin brought him over to his small desk and sat Nitori down.  In front of Nitori, he placed a plate of okonomiyaki and a yellow gatorade.  He had one for himself.

Nitori found that he was rather hungry.  He began to eat, and started to feel a little better.  He hoped that some of the alcohol in his body would be soaked up by this, “This is pretty good.  Did Haruka-chan make this for you?”

“No,” Rin said sharply.

“He did,” Nitori laughed, “what?  Was he talking care of you one night when you were drunk or high?  And he was like ‘Oh here, Rin, let me cook for you, I love you so, so much, Rin, eat some of this.’ And then, he gave you a back rub or some shit?”

“Fuck off,” Rin glared at Nitori, and ate his own okonomiyaki.

“So why didn’t it work out anyway?”

Rin shrugged, “Haruka wanted something different than me.”

“You never told him you loved him, did you?”

Rin sighed, “No, because love doesn’t exist Nitori.”

Nitori nodded, “Yeah.  So, then what?”

“He moved to Europe with Makoto, joined the National team.”

“And what about you?”

“I go to school, I swim, and I party.  Same as always,” Rin was beginning to regret reaching back out to Nitori.  He had been hoping things would be different, that they could just have fun together, but there was a lot buried, and Nitori could never just let things go.  Not that Rin was much better in that regard.

Nitori nodded slowly.  He sipped on the yellow gatorade and he found himself feeling a lot better.

“Alright, you good enough to go to bed, or are you gonna vomit some more?” Rin asked taking their plates away.  He was pretty drunk too, and he hadn’t realized it, but he had left the stove on when he made their okonomiyaki.  After eating it, he sobered up enough to realize it and panicked a bit, but nothing had happened.  That could have been really fucking dangerous, he thought to himself.  Mentally, he kicked himself for cooking while being that drunk, but the okonomiyaki always made him feel better.  Plus, he knew if he didn’t put food in Nitori’s stomach, that the smaller man wouldn’t survive the night.

“I’m good now,” Nitori answered, beginning to change for bed.

“What time do I have to get you up tomorrow?”

Nitori shrugged.

“Don’t you have an interview tomorrow?”

“Nah, tomorrow is my day off, just looking at campuses,” the smaller man slurred.  He was dressed fully in his pajamas now, and Rin began to change too.  Rin noticed that this time the smaller man hadn’t gone off to the bathroom to change.  But, Rin assumed that was because he was feeling too drunk to move much.

Nitori crashed onto his futon.  Rin did the same.  Nitori started to move the screen, and Rin helped him.

“Thanks for tonight,” Nitori said, “I had a lot of fun with you, Rin.”

Rin nodded slowly trying to understand what exactly this all meant.

Nitori went in to hug and hold Rin.  Rin was caught off-guard by the embrace, but he found himself getting hard.

“Can we not do anything tonight?” Nitori asked feeling Rin’s excitement against him.  Then he said, “I mean, I guess it’s fine, if you want to.”

Rin shook his head, he wasn’t going to do anything with a guy who was that nonchalant about it, “It’s fine, we don’t have to.”

“Thanks,” Nitori leaned to the hug.

Rin thought about how much smaller he had gotten.  Had Nitori been right?  Had he been comparing Nitori to Haruka?  He couldn’t believe that though, in his arms now, he could hardly believe that Nitori had ever been able to dominate him.  He felt so damn small.  Rin kissed his forehead, “Sleep well.”

And then, Rin fell asleep.

 

XXX

 

XXX

 

The next day, when Rin woke up, Nitori was asleep.  Rin made some pancakes for the two of them, and left Nitori’s on the counter.  He had to go to Management to turn in his project after all.

Nagisa was standing out in front of his apartment complex waiting for him.  They usually walked together to class, but typically, Rin went to Nagisa’s.  After all, Nagisa lived on campus, his dorm was closer to their class.  The fact that Nagisa was here meant that he wanted to talk to Rin about something.

“Yo,” Nagisa said.

Rin sighed, “Alright get it over with.”

He had been expecting Nagisa to lecture him about Nitori or about drinking and leaving him or something, but Nagisa seemed surprisingly cheerful.

“Get what over with?” Nagisa asked.

“You’re not mad at me?”

Nagisa shook his head, “I’m just here to gossip.  I know Nitori makes you stupid.”

Rin laughed, “I guess he does.”

“I can’t blame you for that though, Rin,” Nagisa said softly.  Rei made him pretty stupid, and it wasn’t like Rin was with Haruka, so in Rin’s mind, there was no consequence of being stupid with Nitori.  And there was no way Nagisa could convince Rin otherwise.

“I left the stove on by accident last night,” Rin suddenly remembered.  He hadn’t blacked out exactly, but the evening was pretty fuzzy at points.

“What?!” Nagisa asked.

Rin nodded, “I made us my special okonomiyaki and I left it on.”

“Dude.”

“It was fine, I found it on and shut it off before we went to bed.”

“I would have figured that you’d be busy doing other things by that point,” Nagisa winked.

Rin shook his head, “He wasn’t in a good position for that.”

Nagisa smirked, “That’s when you change positions and try from another angle.”

“Augh, I mean, he...ah fuck.  Whatever,” Rin didn’t bother explaining.

Nagisa laughed, “At this rate, Rin, I’d say you’re losing your mojo.”

“You know I’m not,” Rin got defensive.

Nagisa laughed harder, “Still, I’d have expected you guys to have done it by now.”

“Really, he was in no condition for it, and he told me he didn’t want it last night.”

“He said that?!” This surprised Nagisa.  He hadn’t known Nitori to ever turn down sex.

Rin exhaled, “Well, he asked if we could just pass last night, but then, he said I could if I wanted to.  But when someone says that, it’s a total mood killer.”

Nagisa laughed, “Yep, you’re definitely losing your game, Rin.”

Rin sighed, they were entering the business school building.  On their way in, they were stopped by a girl.  She was blonde and well-built.  Neither Rin, nor Nagisa knew her, but they recognized her as being in their Management class.

“Um, excuse me?”

Rin and Nagisa pointed at themselves.  She nodded, “I wanted to talk with you,” she pointed at Rin.

Nagisa went on ahead to class.

“You probably don’t know who I am, but I’m on the girl’s swim team.  I...I watched your match, and I just...I... We um...we’re both um business majors, and swimmers and I just...I was wondering if you’d want to go out sometime,” she was nervous.  She’d spent a long time building up the courage to do this.

Rin was dumbfounded.  In the back of his mind, he thought, I’m not losing my game, Nagisa, “Sorry.  I don’t date.”

“Oh,” she answered, “silly me.  Of course not, you’re probably too busy with swimming and school.”

He nodded, not wanting to give a stranger his full explanation.  Besides, it was true that Rin didn’t date in general.  Not because he was too busy though.  No point to dating when love isn’t real, Rin thought.  But, even if he did believe it was and wanted to date, he wasn’t interested in girls.  The guy sitting in his apartment, however…Rin’s mind drifted.

Rin turned the knob on their management class door and went into the room with her.  She sat far in the back, and Rin went closer to the front to sit with Nagisa.

“What was that about?”

“She wanted to go on a date, I’m not losing my game,” Rin snapped at him sitting at his desk.

Nagisa made a shocked looking face and raised his hans over his lips, “It’s worse than I thought.  You’re attracting straight people now!”

Rin gritted his teeth, but their professor entered soon after and his attention was turned to the class.

 

XXX

 

After their class, Rin walked back to his room.  He was surprised to find that Nitori was no where to be found, but then, he saw a note.

Thanks for pancakes and for last night.  Went shopping and to walk around some.  Be back later. XO.

Rin sighed.  He found himself suddenly craving a drink.  He thought about texting Nitori and trying to join up with him, but he was generally exhausted from his class.  He decided instead to take a shower.  Afterwards, if he isn’t back, maybe I’ll text him, Rin thought.

 

XXX

 

When Rin got out of the shower, he found a ton of shopping bags blocking his door preventing him from leaving the bathroom, “Oh,” Nitori said, “sorry, I’ll get them out of your way.”

Nitori moved enough bags for Rin to exit his bathroom.  He was wearing only a towel and it made Nitori inhale deeply.

Rin started to get dressed, and slightly regretted not taking his clothes into the bathroom with him.  He hadn’t expected Nitori to be back yet.  Rin got on a T-shirt and his boxers when Nitori interrupted.

“I picked something up for you,” Nitori said digging through one the bags, “an apology for last night.”

He tossed a box at Rin, it was Louis Vuitton.  Rin opened it up and found a new flask, suddenly, Rin noticed that the other one, his old flask from Nitori, wasn’t sitting on his dresser where it had always been, “Where’s the other one?”

“I threw it away, it was broken, Rin.  They couldn’t even repair it.  It was completely busted,” Nitori explained.

“You what?!” Rin was mad.

Nitori raised his brows, “What’s the problem?  It was just a flask, and now, you’ve got a new one.”

“It was a gift from you, asshole.”

Nitori sighed, “Well, you’ve got a new one now - also from me.  I’ll help you break it in if you want.”

Rin calmed down, “I wish you hadn’t thrown that one away.”

“Sorry,” Nitori wrinkled his nose, “I didn’t realize it was so important to you.”

“You’re a lot different than you used to be,” Rin said suddenly.  It was more than the fact that Nitori didn’t seem to even care that Rin had dropped him for Haruka long ago, Nitori had completely lost his edge.  He was a lot gentler, kinder.  Rin never would have expected Nitori to decide to replace a broken flask of his own volition.  The old Nitori would have simply said something like I was the one who gave it to you anyway.  This Nitori not only replaced it, but when that had upset Rin, he seemed genuinely sorry.

“So are you,” Nitori replied annoyed, but that wasn’t new.  Rin had been different in his mind ever since he had started doing whatever he had been doing with Haruka.  Even though his time with Haruka had ended, this Rin was not the same Rin that he had known in high school.

“I mean it.  You’re less cruel,” Rin looked over the new flask.  It was nice, he had to admit, “I like it.”

“Thanks,” Nitori frowned.

“And you are thinner.”

“People change, Rin.  You’ve changed too.”

“You’re more serious now.”

Nitori shrugged, “Am not.  I just want to be in college, free from my parents, that’s all.”

“Fine, when did you decide to be so nice to me?” Rin looked up from the flask.

“I missed you is all,” when Rin had walked away from him in the bar back when Nitori first figured out that Haruka had told Rin to stop sleeping with Nitori, Nitori had been mad.  But, months went by, and before long, Nitori missed Rin.  He was happy enough that the redhead had decided to contact him again.  After all, it wasn’t like Nitori was free from blame of the shit that happened to them.  

In fact, Nitori blamed himself the most.  He deeply regretted driving Rin home that night when he had been drunk.  If I’d never done that, he’d never have gotten together with Haruka.  And even though Rin denied that it had been a relationship, it felt that way to Nitori.  Rin had been in a relationship with Haruka.

But, now Haruka was gone, and even though Nitori had held back from pushing himself into Rin’s life, Nitori had missed him.  This was fine though.  Rin came to him.  Now, however, Nitori didn’t want to hold back anymore, he leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against Rin’s, testing the water.

Rin didn’t stop him, but he pulled back and asked, “You sure?”

The reason Rin asked was because he remembered what Nitori had said the night before.  Nitori nodded knowingly, “Last night, I was feeling sick.  Sorry.”

Rin nodded, still a bit apprehensive.

“I picked something up while I was at Tokyo University today exploring.  I didn’t have a chance to get it before,” Nitori purred.

Rin said, “Oh?”

He had been expecting Nitori to have some kind of school related paperwork, and was surprised that Nitori brought this up in the middle of their completely unrelated conversation.  Instead, Nitori displayed a copy of the photo of Rin posing in his speedo that had been printed in the school paper.  Rin sighed, “Dammit.  I should have known.”

“I’m gonna hang this on my wall, just so you know,” Nitori smirked looking at the photo, “and I’m gonna look at you every night when I-”

But, Rin interrupted him with a kiss, “Why look at a photo when you can touch the real thing?”

Nitori licked his lips, “Good question.”

Nitori put the paper down on Rin’s desk and laid both of his hands on Rin’s chest.

“Well?”

“Better than a photo.”

Rin embraced Nitori, and began to kiss the smaller man.  Nitori moaned as his tongue intertwined with Rin’s, “Rin - ah!”

Rin’s hands were already reaching down and unbuttoning Nitori’s pants.  Nitori was beginning to harden, and Rin slid his hand into one of the drawers in his room.  Nitori was a bit alarmed by this, but assumed that Rin was getting out lube.  That was one thing Rin took out, but he also took out a rubber cock ring.  Nitori looked at it and his eyebrows rose.

Rin slid the ring onto Nitori’s dick which was beginning to get harder.  It was tight enough to prevent Nitori from cumming until Rin slipped it off, but it was loose enough to not be painful.  Nitori didn’t object to it and Rin kissed his neck and used his teeth a little to mark the smaller man.  Nitori moaned softly, “Rin - Rinnn - sempai~”

And Rin felt himself harden too.  He slid down his own pants, and squeezed some of the lube onto his fingers.  While kissing the smaller man, Rin slid in a finger.  Nitori didn’t moan, but feeling Rin enter him, he tensed a bit.  Slowly, he relaxed and Rin began to loosen him up.  Nitori begged him to use more, and Rin obliged.  When Nitori was good and prepared, Rin got another toy from his drawer.  This also surprised Nitori, but Nitori didn’t complain or ask questions.  He assumed that either Rin had been experimenting with Haruka or that this came from some other hookup of his.  Nitori found himself excited by it all.  It had been a long time since he had been with Rin and previously, the other man had been rather vanilla.  He was eager to discover what Rin would do next.  More than anything though, he wanted Rin to dominate him.

Rin pulled out an egg-shaped vibrator and Nitori moaned, knowing what to expect.  Rin lubed up the vibrator and slipped it inside of Nitori.  Nitori moaned, it was big, but when Rin flipped it on, Nitori began to be able to relax.

Rin’s constant reassurance and kisses also helped Nitori relax.  Rin controlled the vibrator and he had it start slowly, but he turned it up a bit.  He leaned into Nitori and whispered softly, “They’re what I always use on myself, when I think about you.”

Nitori moaned and his body shook with delight in response, and Rin clicked up the vibration setting on the vibrator, “Rin...ah -  Sem...pai, ah,” his eyes closed.  He could hardly believe that he was in Tokyo doing this with Rin.  It felt very surreal.  He had thought about his times with Rin a lot in the past, and while he had once been confident that Rin would come back to him, as the time passed, he became less and less sure.  And now, he was so close to having Rin, and he wanted more.  He wanted to feel Rin inside of him, he opened his eyes and started to beg, “Rin, I -”

Rin raised his brows.

Nitori moaned, “Please, sempai, please.”

Rin smiled, and obliged.  He removed the vibrator and added some lube onto himself.  Then, he slid into Nitori from behind.  Nitori was loosened by the vibrator, but he still felt tight, and in Rin’s arms, Nitori felt thin.  Rin had been right, the smaller man had gotten even smaller.  Rin massaged Nitori’s thighs while pushing himself deeper into Nitori, “Nnngh, Nitori, God you’re so -”

Nitori interrupted with a moan, “Ri-Rin-sempai-”

Nitori laid his hands on top of Rin’s.  His nails dug into Rin’s, the cockring was beginning to become painful.  He could barely handle Rin touching him and being inside of him.

Rin wasn’t ready to allow Nitori to cum yet.  He wanted to show Nitori how much he had changed, he wanted pay Nitori back for every time that Nitori had made Rin beg to cum.  And so, Rin continued to move inside of Nitori, pushing Nitori closer to the edge.

Nitori started to move his own hands over to his dick, yearning for the release, but Rin held them back, “Not yet.”

Nitori gritted his teeth and let out another groan, “Sempai.”

Rin’s knees buckled a bit and he bit his lip, but he was not going to let Nitori win.  He leaned over and kissed Nitori’s neck some more.

Feeling Rin’s lips tickling his neck, Nitori succumbed, between breaths he begged, “Ah - Please, Rin - Please sempai.  Please let me cum.  Fill me up, please.”

Rin smirked and he bit down gently on Nitori, while removing the ring.  Then, he used his hand to glide across Nitori’s shaft.  He pushed himself deeper and harder into Nitori, and he felt himself get close.

Nitori panted, “Rin - ah - Sempai, I’m - please - please in me - please -”

Rin nodded, “Nitori, I’m gonna - ah!”

Rin felt a rush in his loins and Nitori felt Rin expand inside of him, Nitori moaned and he felt himself cum onto Rin’s hand at the same time.  He panted and moaned and said again and again, “So good, Rin, ah -”

Finally, Rin removed himself from Nitori and Nitori fell onto his futon, “Rin,” he was sweating and still panting, “That was -” he closed his eyes, “at least in our top ten.”

Rin laughed and agreed.  He went to the bathroom to get something to clean himself off and to clean the other man off.  He came back with a towel, and wiped off Nitori.  Then, he laid down on his futon next to Nitori.  The two men kissed.

 

XXX

 

The next couple of days passed quickly.  Nitori and Rin enjoyed their time in Rin’s apartment.  Rin went to his classes and Nitori did his interviews, but during their time off they were together.  That was all nice and good until the day of Rin’s swim meet, the day before Nitori had to leave to go back to Iwatobi.

“Are you ready?” Nitori asked Rin.

Rin nodded, but he was nervous.  This could potentially be the most important meet of his life.  If he was selected to swim on the National Team, everything would change.

Nitori kissed Rin on the cheek, “You’ll do fab.”

They made their way to the gym, and Nitori took his place in the bleachers.  Rin scanned them.  He couldn’t find what he was looking for and so, he continued to look.

Rin realized suddenly that he was looking for Haruka, someone who he had not looked for in the bleachers in almost a year.  And, he sighed, there was no way that Haruka would be there.  Haruka’s in Europe with Makoto, he reminded himself.  His eyes fell onto Nitori though, and he felt himself smile.  Nitori was seated next to Nagisa, who had apparently come along to support Rin.  Nagisa didn’t swim anymore, but even Nagisa knew what this meet meant.  They both smiled at Rin.

Then, his coach called him over, “Rin, I don’t have to tell you what’s on the line here.”

Rin nodded.

“But,” and his coach’s expression softened, “just swim to your heart’s content, okay?”

Rin smiled.  He liked this coach.  The Tokyo University coach was very similar to the coach that he had in Australia, “I’ll do my best.”

The coach patted him on the back, “Good.”

Rin was swimming a 500 freestyle in the meet.  He took his position and he swam.  His head was completely clear.  As he moved through the water, he heard cheers and they pushed him forward.  This was it, he thought, this was what he swam for.

When Rin finished the race, he got out of the pool feeling good.  He didn’t even care about his time, he was content.  He had swam his best, and he knew it.  Then, after a moment, he noticed the silence.  And he looked at the board to check his time.  Had he been wrong?  Had he been slow?  Is that why they were silent?  He discovered instead that the silence was awe.  Everyone was looking at him impressed.  Suddenly everyone on the Tokyo University side began to cheer loudly for him.  Rin broke the record he had set from when they had done the news article on him.  His coach was thrilled and so was his team.  They destroyed the other team, and won the meet.

His coach spoke with him afterwards, “You’ll hear from the scouts now, I’m sure of it.  Rin, holy shit.”

Rin smiled.  He hadn’t felt this good in a while.  His life in Tokyo was pretty good previously, but now he was at the top of his game.  Between swimming and Nitori, Rin was feeling good.  Rin went off to the locker room where his teammates congratulated him.  He changed quickly, explaining that he had someone that he had to meet.

Nagisa caught him before Nitori.  He had been waiting for Rin outside the locker room, “I’m guessing you’re going to go celebrate with Nitori.”

Rin nodded.

Nagisa patted him on the back, “Have fun.  Don’t do anything too crazy.”

Rin smirked.

“I’m going to take you out when they call though, okay?  Promise me,” Nagisa smiled.

Rin nodded again, “Sounds good.”

Nitori was waiting for Rin outside.  There was something different about the look on his face.  He was obviously proud of Rin and happy for Rin, but something about his expression was off.  Rin couldn’t put his finger on it and Nitori did his best to keep his true feelings and the whole thing secret from Rin.  Earlier, he had tried to flippantly express his feelings about Rin’s race to Nagisa, when Nitori had been sitting next to Nagisa during the meet, but he had been unsuccessful.  He’s going to end up with Haruka again, isn’t he?

Nagisa hadn’t replied and that was answer enough.

But, Haruka isn’t here, Nitori reminded himself, and Rin isn’t Haruka’s yet, and so, his expression lightened “I have something to tell you, Rin.”

Rin’s brows raised expecting Nitori to congratulate him, “Yeah?”

“I...I have a special room prepared for us at the Imperial Palace Hotel, I’d like to take you there, if you want to go,” Nitori chewed on his lip, “as congrats on your success.”

Rin’s eyes widened.  He’d never been to the Imperial Palace Hotel, only been by it.  Besides knowing that it was expensive and special, he knew nothing about it.  Beyond that, it was surprising that Nitori would do something like this.  Nitori wasn’t exactly the congratulations type or the romantic type, “What?”

“Yeah, I kept my reservation there,” Nitori blushed, “I thought...it might be nice to go there tonight, together.”

Rin smiled, “That sounds amazing.”

Nitori found himself smiling too.  He didn’t care much for hotels like the Imperial Palace.  He had stayed in them too many times.  They weren’t that special or exciting to him.  Not that he would tell Rin that, he had much preferred staying with Rin in Rin’s tiny apartment than spending the week in the Imperial Palace Hotel.  Still, it sounded nice to stay together somewhere different.  It will be like going on a vacation together, Nitori thought, and Nitori led Rin to a car that he had hired.

 

XXX

 

“Well, Rin, it’s been fun, as always,” Nitori was smoking outside of Todaimae station with Rin.  He had to catch his train home in a few minutes.

Rin hadn’t wanted to care about when he’d see Nitori again, in fact, he much preferred not caring about anything, but even so, he found the words falling out of his mouth before he could stop them, “When will I see you again?”

Nitori inhaled a hit, “I can’t be blamed for the fact that you never come home, Rin.”

Rin smiled, “There was never really any reason for me to go home.”

“That hurts, but I’m going to assume that you didn’t mean it like that.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean and you know why I don’t like going home.”

Nitori’s lips curled upwards and he blew out smoke, “I’m a pretty busy guy, Rin.  It’s not like I can always come to Tokyo.”

Rin laughed, “I know.  But, Skype?”

Nitori nodded, “I’d like that.”

“Nitori -” Rin started.

Nitori looked up.

“I...I want you to go to school in Tokyo,” this was okay to say, right? He thought.  Just as friends.  I just miss my friend, right?  We’d occasionally fuck, sure, but it’s not like I’m telling him to date me.

Nitori smiled and put out the cigarette, “We’ll see, Rin.”

Rin leaned in to kiss him.  Nitori allowed the kiss to deepen and slipped his tongue into Rin’s mouth, and then, he pulled back, “Rin…I’ve got to…”

Rin nodded, “I know.  Go catch your train.”

But, he gave Nitori one more kiss on the forehead before he let him go.

 

XXX

 

Rin got back to his apartment and he sighed.  Why did I tell Nitori to come to school in Tokyo?  I shouldn’t have done that.  That had probably been too serious.  And yet, Nitori didn’t react the way he had expected.  He had expected something of a fight from Nitori.  We’ll see, had instead been his response.

Rin laid down on his futon.  His eyes looked around the room and he saw that Nitori had left his cologne behind.  Rin recognized the bottle.  It was the same one that Nitori had used back when Rin lived with him.  Rin stood up and grabbed the bottle.  He spritzed out some of the cologne.  The room smelt like Nitori, and that felt nice.  He started to send a text message to let Nitori know that he had forgotten it, when he saw a missed call on his phone.

Rin pulled up his voice mails, it was from the National Team’s recruiter.  They wanted Rin to join.  They wanted him to become a part time student, and train in Tokyo.  They wanted him to participate in Olympics the following year.  Rin could hardly believe his ears.  He dropped the bottle onto his desk.  It didn’t shatter, but he quickly recollected it and put it back safely on his desk.  He sent Nitori a text about the bottle and about the news.  Then, he sent a text to Nagisa.  After all, he had promised to let Nagisa treat him when the National Team called.

 

XXX

 

The two boys were drunk.  They were seated on a bench near Shinjuku.  Rin had drank a lot, after all, he had a lot to celebrate.

“So, tell me exactly what they said,” Nagisa was spread out over the bench.  His head was back looking up at the stars.  He was pretty damn drunk.

Rin explained, “They were impressed with my time, I guess.  It’s pretty fucking crazy though.  They want me to continue my studies, but dude.”

“Yeah?”

“Dude.  They want me to be an Olympian,” Rin took another gulp from the flask Nitori gave him and started to pass it to Nagisa.

Nagisa only held out his hand to say no.  He was more than good for now, “I can’t fucking believe that.  Not just Haruka, but now you.  You guys are insane.”

Rin laughed.

“Are you going to do it?”

“They’ve given me a few weeks to decide.  The bid enough is a big deal, but I don’t know.  I...I’m not Haruka.  I want to follow my Dad’s dream, but like...Haruka could swim all day every day, and still want to spend time in the pool.  I...There’s other shit I enjoy too.”

“Yeah, like getting drunk,” Nagisa burped.

Rin smirked, “Yeah.  Like getting drunk.”

“Well, I think you should do it.”

Rin shrugged, “I’ll see.”

 

XXX

 

“Rin,” Nagisa asked, “Did you hear the news?”

Rin shrugged, “What news?”

“Haruka’s moving back to Tokyo, Rin,” Nagisa stated.  They were sitting at Ramen before their management class.  Nagisa was playing with his ramen.  Rin had still not decided about the bid to join the National team, but Nagisa figured that this would change everything.  He looked at Rin expectantly, but Rin didn’t seem to be phased, so Nagisa continued, “Rin, he’s going to be doing olympic training, in Tokyo.”

Rin shrugged again, “That’s good for him I guess.”

Nagisa exhaled, “Don’t you get it, Rin?  If you take that the National team’s offer, you’re going to be training with Haruka again.”

“How many times do I have to point out to you that Haruka and I were never and will never be in a relationship?” Rin asked getting annoyed.  He could feel his desire for Haruka building up inside him.  The desire that he had been pushing away for over a year.  He took a cigarette out and began to smoke.  His appetite was completely gone.  Thinking about Haruka made him too nervous.

“Rin, you have to take their offer.  It’s a once in a lifetime chance.  You’ve got to follow your Dad’s dream,” Nagisa stated.

“I’ll think about it,” he inhaled the smoke sharply.  He had been close to accepting their offer earlier that week, but still a small voice in the back of his head had told him that there was a chance he’d see Haruka, and that thought scared him.  Haruka moving back only increased that chance.

Nagisa sighed, “You’re being ridiculous.  You shouldn’t have to even think about this.”

“I don’t want to see him with Makoto, Nagisa,” Rin explained.  And it was true, Rin really didn’t.  Makoto was perfect for Haruka, and by comparison Rin always felt inadequate.

Nagisa shrugged, “You won’t have to,” not all the time anyway, “If you don’t want to, you two probably won’t have to train together.”

Rin sighed, “I’d love to swim with Haruka again.”

Nagisa’s eyes widened, Rin never used the l-word, but Nagisa sighed.   Saying that Rin would love to swim with Haruka, was not the same as Rin saying that he loved Haruka.

“What?” Rin asked, “I would.  I just...I don’t think Haruka wants to swim with me anymore.  And then, there’s everything else on top that.  Besides, I have more important things to consider.”

“More important than Haruka?”

“Yeah.  Like school.  I may have been asked to do the training, but I’m not like Haruka.  Haruka’s a natural.  I’ve got to consider alternative options, I may not be able to go pro in the end.”

Nagisa rolled his eyes, “You’re just finding excuses.”

Rin took another deep inhale from this cigarette, “Maybe.”

 

XXX

 

Rin looked at the text message from Nitori.  He was seated in the Tokyo University cafe.  So much had happened since they reconnected.  Rin had run through everything that had happened in the last couple of weeks in his head, and now, he was back here in the present again.  He could hardly believe it all.  He sipped on his hot chocolate thinking about the message.

The message only said, “I think you should do it.”

Rin sighed.  He closed the phone without replying to the message.  Any sort of response would have been painful to type.

He sighed and took another gulp of the hot chocolate.  Then, he began his preparations.  This was the right thing to do after all.  This was the right thing to do for his career.  But, it came with consequences, and those consequences scared Rin.

A second text message came through, “You can keep my cologne.  I think I’m gonna go to school in Kyoto.  Not Tokyo.”

Rin sighed.  This was one of those consequences.

 

XXX

 

Rin set up his schedule so that he could be a part time student at Tokyo University while simultaneously training for the olympics.  He did not want to give up his schooling, after all, in the event that swimming did not work out for him, Rin wanted to be able to support himself.  However, he also couldn’t walk away from the chance to achieve his dream.  When he decided to do this, he expected that his training would be separate from Haruka’s.  That was what had been indicated to him by the coordinator.  And that was true for a time period.  However, mistakes were made and so, one day that Rin arrived at the pool, he found that there was already someone in it.  That someone was Haruka.

Haruka was practicing freestyle, of course.  Rin watched him for a moment, but it was technically his training period, so he found himself jumping in and joining Haruka.  Haruka was so in the zone that he did not notice that he had company until he started to was face to face with Rin in the pool.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Haruka asked coming up for air.

Rin scowled, “It’s my training period.”

“No it’s not.  You and I are supposed to do our training separately,” he wasn’t trying to start a fight or anything.  It was more that Haruka knew that Makoto would not be happy if he found out that Rin and Haruka were training and swimming together again.  Makoto had already gotten upset with him when Haruka declared that Rin was going to be training under the same supervisors as him.  Makoto relented when he learned that Haruka would have a different training schedule than Rin.  “I’m still not happy, but I guess that’ll just have to do,” Makoto had said.  It wasn’t like Haruka could control who got to be a part of this team.

“Well, it is currently my time slot for the pool.”

“Let’s go find the schedule,” Haruka relented at last.  He couldn’t help himself from checking out the redhead.  He knew it was wrong, but he knew every curve of Rin’s body, and it had been a long time since he had seen it face to face.  He had seen the newspaper heading with Rin’s record breaking time.  He had even seen the photo of Rin in the speedo.  It had been sitting on the coach’s desk, when he had called Haruka in to inform him of their new teammate.  “There’s someone I’d like you to see.  This guy supposedly grew up in the same town as you.  He swam against you at a few meets.  You may know him.  Would you be willing to take him under your wing and welcome him to the team?”  That was what their coach had asked.  Haruka politely refused this.  It hadn’t been easy, given that a hot photo of Rin had been staring him in the face as he did so, but it the right thing to do.  

To explain his reluctance, Haruka went with the half-truth about Rin being his rival and the two of them hating each other.  They were rivals, but they didn’t hate each other.  No, no, Haruka could never hate Rin.  But, he did have to avoid him.  Based on the present situation though, it seemed as though he may be forced to mentor Rin in spite of his chat with the coach.

Rin hopped out of the pool and followed Haruka.  They looked at the schedule which was posted on a corkboard near the bleachers.  Sure enough, both of them were signed up.

“Well, I told you it was my time,” Rin said snarkily.  He was feeling uncomfortable being around Haruka.  It had been a long time since he had seen Haruka and while he knew that they were not exactly on the best of terms, it felt odd to be so close to Haruka and yet, not be able to touch Haruka.

Haruka sighed, then he stated the obvious, “I guess we have the same practice schedule now.”

Rin shrugged, “It’s really no big deal.  It’s a huge fucking pool, Haru -” he caught himself calling Haruka by his nickname, and so, he added a delayed, “ka.”

Haruka seemed undisturbed, “Yeah.  I guess.”

Haruka knew that later on this situation was going to lead to a fun conversation with Makoto, but in the meantime, it was going to be nice to swim with the redhead.  After all, the part about them being rivals had been true, and Rin made Haruka’s blood boil.  He wanted to swim with Rin, he wanted to fuck Rin, and he generally just wanted to be by the redhead.

“You wanna race?” Rin asked, correctly interpreting the look on Haruka’s face.

“I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“I don’t think so.  I’ve spent some of the last year getting an education, but I’ve also been training hard.  You’ve been doing what?  Partying in Europe and fucking Makoto?” Rin smirked.

Haruka’s lips curved into a small smile, “I’ve been waiting for this a long time, Rin.  Let’s see if you really can do that record setting time.”

Rin flushed, he hadn’t expected Haruka to be familiar with that...He wondered if Haruka had seen the photo.  No, he thought, he must have heard about it from his coach.  That was why I was asked to train here after all, “You should seen the pic they took of me.  I was on the front page of the Tokyo University paper, and I look damn sexy in it, Haruka.  I’ve got nothing on but a fucking speedo.  Maybe if you beat me, I’ll sign a copy for you.”

It was Haruka’s turn to flush.  He had seen the photo, and Rin had looked good in it.  He knew he could easily beat Rin, and he felt his desire to show off building up.

The two boys stood on the separate starting boards, and then, they began.

 

XXX

 

XXX

 

Part 3

 

XXX

 

Rin stormed out of the practice angrily.  Haruka was making him crazy lately.  That was how it had always been and he knew it, but lately, it had gotten harder because Rin’s ability to swim at Haruka’s level was clearly disappearing.  Rin was getting older and he was getting slower.  As a result, Rin had started to do drugs again, which he knew didn’t help, but they felt good and it felt good to be free from his pain for the time.  Rin had quit doing drugs, with the exception of alcohol, when he was recruited for the National Team, but that changed.  He was back to his old ways.  And as usual, Haruka was at the top of his game.  It was so frustrating.

The coach had called Haruka into his office to talk to him privately, and Rin had ducked out early choosing to go to the nearest bar.  The bar was this little place in Ginza where some business people nearby would come on their off time.  During the day, you could find cute gay interns who were on their breaks.  Rin went in and his attention was drawn to a young brunette.  He looked like a college student, a rich one.  Rin thought about Nitori when he saw him, but that thought quickly left his mind.  The college student seemed to be equally interested in Rin.  Rin walked over to him.  The kid was standing next to the pool table, but he was playing alone.  The bar was practically empty at this time.  The bartender did a quick look at Rin, recognizing him.

“Hey,” the college boy said.

Rin smiled, and looked at the glass in his hands, it was almost empty, “Finish that off so I can buy you a drink.”

The guy obeyed, “I’m James.  Who are you?”

“You can call me Rin,” and Rin ordered them two shots of tequila each along with a refill for James drink and a beer for himself.

James’ eyebrows raised, “So you are the famous swimmer.”

Rin laughed, “I’m surprised anyone your age can recognize me.”

“With a bod like yours, I’d be insane not to.”

Rin smiled and he removed his cardigan, showing off his arm muscles.  James bit his lip, “Looks nice.”

Rin sat down on the pool table and removed his t-shirt.  James’ lips curved into a grin.  Around that time, the tequila had arrived.

Rin laid back on the table and shook some of the salt onto himself, James laughed, “Seriously?”

Rin nodded, and the only thing he said was, “Have to cut loose.”

James agreed and leaned over, his tongue trailed up Rin’s toned stomach getting the salt, then he downed the shot of tequila.  Finally, he bit into a lime.  Rin smiled and threw back a shot himself.

“One more,” Rin said to James.  Rin noticed that the door to the bar opened, in walked Haruka.  Haruka looked at him, but Rin didn’t stop James from using his tongue to go up Rin’s stomach again.  Choosing not to confront Rin, Haruka went over to the bar.  He ordered something and James finished the shot.  Then, Haruka spoke to Rin, “We have to talk.”

Rin rolled his eyes and patted James on the head, "Up you go. Gotta talk to this guy for a bit. I'll be back to you soon enough,” Rin licked his lips and winked at James.

James shrugged and walked away.

Haruka kept a cold, serious face, "Like I said, we have to talk."

Rin rolled his eyes, "I know you got picked for the next tournament, and let me guess, I'm benched."

This wasn’t going to be some kind of shock to Rin.  It was nothing new that Haruka was still at the top of his game and that Rin was old news.  That was why he had been surprised and pleased that James had even been able to recognize him after all.  

"It's more than that," Haruka replied.  Rin rolled his eyes.  Everything was always so serious with Haruka.  He expected some sort of lecture.  Instead, Haruka slowly sipped his drink.  This was when Rin noticed that Haru had ordered a whiskey.  Haru never drank hard liquor.  Rin braced himself a bit.

But, ultimately, Rin chose to play it cool, "What is it?"

"You're going to be kicked off the team.”

This was completely unexpected.  The fuck, Rin thought.  Sure, he hadn’t been as committed lately, but getting kicked of the team was unheard of.  It was impossible.

"What?!" Rin exclaimed, he had reached for his beer when Haruka came over, and he nearly dropped it on the pool table.

Haru nodded, "You should retire instead. That's what the coach wanted me to tell you. He wants me to get you help...and I think, we should."

Rin was suddenly very defensive, "You and the coach decided this about me together?  You made the decision to throw me off the team Haru?  Wow.  Wow, that is fucked up, Haru.  We give each other a tough time, but this is a whole new level of low."

"I think you need help Rin-" Haru was being sincere.

But, Rin didn't hear him anymore. Rin no longer heard help at all or anything else from Haru. He heard Haru doing the worst possible thing that Haru could have ever done.  He heard Haru taking him out of the pool and killing the hobby they had shared since they were children.  He heard Haruka effectively killing off what they had in common.  He heard Haruka doing the meanest possible thing that could ever happen to him, "I was wrong.  Your rivalry with me was so much stronger than I ever could have expected.  I can't believe you did this Haru."

"It's to help you-"

"Just get the fuck away from me Haru. Just leave me alone!"  Rin wasn’t drunk, but the room was spinning.  This was impossible.  This had to be a nightmare.

"No, I'm taking you home."

"You're not my boyfriend, Haru, and you're obviously not my friend, or you wouldn't have made sure we couldn't swim together again.  Seriously, how the fuck could you?  I don't want your help. I don't want anything from you.  Get the fuck away from me."

"We can still swim together,” but Rin was shaking his head, Haruka continued, “Rin, we can do this right," Haru sipped more on the whiskey, "I'm gonna sit here until you're ready to go home. You can go grab your little friend and fuck him in the bathroom for all I care and I'll still be here.  And then, when you are ready to go home, I will take care of you, and you can retire, we can get you help and then, then, we can continue swimming, in our pool, together,” Haruka pleaded.

Rin heard none of it though, "Fine, if you're not leaving, then I am," and with that, Rin threw down his drink and left.

 

XXX

 

Rin was mad with Haruka, madder than he thought he had ever been in his life.  He was so mad that he didn’t even know what to do or who to talk to about it.  He thought about calling Nagisa, but that was difficult because Nagisa was also friends with Haruka.  Rin was too mad at Haruka to talk about it with Nagisa.  Nagisa would force him to consider Haruka’s perspective and blah, blah, blah, Rin didn’t want that.  He wanted someone who would be on his side.  

Rin was standing in an alleyway near the Ginza station, and he had stormed out of the bar.  Technically, he walked out on his tab, but he wasn’t too worried about that.  Those guys knew him, and he’d pay for it next time.

Rin sighed.  He flipped through his phone contacts.  He couldn’t call Nagisa and there weren’t many people who he could call about this.  His eyes landed on one and he sighed.  This will be a terrible decision, he thought.  But, he was mad and hurt.  And he wanted Haruka to feel the same.

And so, Rin dialed the number.

“Rin Matsuoka,” the voice on the other end of the phone had matured.  It had been years since Rin had heard it, “What the hell do you want?”

“I wanna meet up and throw down.”

The man on the other end smiled, “Where are you?”

“Ginza.”

“Lucky for you, I happen to be hanging in Tokyo these days and I still have this number.  Been awhile since you dialed it.  So, do you want me to go there?”  Even though it had been ages, his voice had the same pur to it, that instantly turned Rin on.

“No,” Rin replied, “I’ll come to you.”

“Shinjuku, then.  There’s a bar here in the second block where we can catch up and get some coke if you’re game.”

Rin felt something in him stir that he hadn’t felt in awhile, “That sounds nice.”

 

XXX

 

Rin went to the address that Nitori had told him over the phone.  He found the silver haired man standing outside waiting for him.  He was even thinner than the last time that Rin had seen him.  His clothes were all tight making him seem even smaller, and he looked different.  He looked drained.  Rin almost regretted calling him.  Rin had re-entered the scene, and somehow not crossed paths with Nitori, but it seemed like it was fate for them to meet again.  Hadn’t he always known that though?  Still, he had been a bit surprised that Nitori took his call.  He hadn’t spoken to Nitori directly since he had been in college.  They’d kept tabs on each other via Facebook, but Nitori had gone to college in Kyoto and supposedly flunked out choosing to return to his high school ways.  Now, Nitori was supposedly living without his trust fund and things in his life were simply different than how things had turned out for Rin.

Nitori saw Rin and a big grin appeared on his face, he pulled Rin into an embrace and Rin noticed how thin his arms were.  It was like hugging a skeleton.  Haruka wasn’t fat, Haruka was all muscle, but Haruka had a presence.  Nitori was right in front of Rin after all these years and it felt like he was hugging nothing.  But, Rin hated comparing the two of them, and Rin definitely didn’t want to think about Haruka.  Not right now.

“So, what made you call me after all this time?” Nitori asked, but before Rin could answer he smirked, “Let me guess.  Trouble in paradise.”

Rin kissed him.  Nitori pulled back, “Wow, you must be pretty mad at him, if you’re willing to do that.”

“Shut up,” Rin answered.

“Don’t worry, Rin, we’ll fuck later, and it’ll be fucking fabulous.  I’ve missed you so much.  I’ve been all over Japan looking for anyone who feels as fucking incredible as you, and the answer is no one does,” it was less flippant it had sounded in his head.

Rin shifted a bit.

“But, first,” Nitori’s smile came back, “I want to fucking party.”

And they did.  Nitori had become pretty hardcore.  He had always gone pretty hard in Rin’s mind, but that night Rin saw how much more Nitori had come to do.  Still, Rin was determined to outdo him.  He was so mad at Haruka and he just wanted to forget, and so, for whatever Nitori did, Rin did more.  

This surprised Nitori at first, but Nitori couldn’t blame him.  Nitori had expected that Rin and Haruka were living their life happily ever after.  If whatever had happened was bad enough for Rin to seek out Nitori, then it had to be bad enough for Rin to get completely fucked up.  And so, rather than asking questions, Nitori merely let himself enjoy the moment.  After all, there was no one in the world who he enjoyed being with as much as Rin.  And, getting to be with Rin was an impossible thing in his mind.  Catching Rin was like catching smoke, he was completely impossible to hold onto.

Besides Nitori never said no to partying, there was a lot that he wanted to forget.

 

XXX

 

Somehow, the two of them ended up back in Haruka’s apartment.  Haruka wasn’t there and Rin mumbled something about picking it to piss off Haruka.  Nitori was happy to be there because he thought that being fucked by Rin in Haruka’s bed was just about the most horrible thing he could do to Haruka.  And Nitori had come to hate Haruka over the years.  

“You wanna piss Haruka off?  Tell him you made a deal with me.  Tell him you asked me if he could fuck me, and I said, ‘yes’ and Rin, he’ll be so fucking mad.”

Rin laughed.  He had to agree, that sounded pretty bad.  Bad enough to really hurt Haruka.  And Rin was pretty fucking hurt.  He had tried so hard to remove that pain tonight, but it was still there.  I won’t get to swim with Haruka anymore.  Rin nodded, yep that would definitely be cruel.

Nitori kissed Rin.

When Rin pulled back, he was curious, “Would you actually fuck him?”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Nitori asked, “Of course, I would.”

Rin raised his eyebrows.  Nitori explained, “You’ve been fucking mesmerized by him since we were in high school,” Nitori paused and then, corrected himself, “Well, I guess you were obsessed with him since before that, but I only ever knew you since high school.  Either way, I want to know what makes him so fucking amazing.”

Rin laughed, and he tried to figure it out for himself.  What was it about Haruka that was so magnetic?  He discovered that he couldn’t come up with answer.  It had been fun to play games with Haruka, but now it was clear that just like in everything, Haruka had beat Rin at his own game.  So, what was there now?  Rin wondered briefly why he hadn’t ended up with Nitori, after all, it had been the smaller man in front of him who had made him this way, hadn’t it been?  Regardless, they’d always fit together well enough.  Rin smiled, “I wanna fuck you.”

Nitori took a few deep breaths, he was pretty fucking high, he hadn’t been this way in awhile, but of course, hanging around Rin always made him push his limits, “Yeah?  Last time we had a gap, you learned some new tricks.  I can’t wait to see what you have in store for me.”

Rin’s grin widened and he reached in the chest of drawers that stored all of his toys with Haruka.  He should have felt guilty taking these out.  It was bad enough that they were in Haruka’s apartment, and they were about to do it in Haruka’s bed, a place that was traditionally off limits for Rin’s hookups.  But, to be using toys that he and Haruka had used together with Nitori, that should have made him feel badly.  But, it didn’t.  The thought made him happy.  He wanted Haruka to suffer the way that he had suffered, he wanted to beat Haruka in this game.  At least, that was how it had started, but now that he was actually reaching in the chest, staring at Nitori’s exposed buttox, it was different.  He wanted to savor his time with Nitori.  After all, it had been so long since he had felt this good, and it had been even longer since he had been connected to Nitori.

Nitori was leaned over on Haruka’s bed, exposing himself.  He turned around to face Rin and bit his lip, “Well?”

Rin licked his lips.  He pulled out a pair of handcuffs.  He tossed them at Nitori, “Cuff yourself to the bedframe.”

Nitori smirked defiantly, but he obeyed.  He was surprised.  They weren’t fuzzy handcuffs or anything, they were true stainless steel.  Nitori couldn’t get out of them without the key.  He looked around for it, wondering where it was kept.

“Don’t bother,” Rin said knowingly, unzipping his own pants, “You’re not going anywhere until I’m fully satisfied.”

Nitori felt some of his pre-cum come out.  Was he this obsessed with Rin?  Could Rin merely speak and bring Nitori to the edge?  How pathetic of me, he thought.  But, another voice in his head reasoned, Well, it is Rin.

Rin pulled out a cockring and Nitori groaned a bit.  He wondered in passing if it had been used on Rin or Haruka.  Rin volunteered that information, “It’s mine.  But, this,” and Rin pulled out a vibrator, “is his.  I bet you like that, don’t you?  The knowledge that I wanna fuck with him so much, that I’m gonna put his favorite vibrator in you.”

Nitori moaned a bit.  He had been excited that Rin had called him, but if he had known that it was going to go this way, he wouldn’t have bothered partying with Rin, he would have gone straight for the sex.  How could he have forgotten how incredible Rin was?  Had it really been long enough for him to forget that?

Rin slid the cockring on Nitori.  Then, he lubed up the vibrator and his fingers.  He used his fingers to stretch Nitori enough for the vibrator.  Nitori let out soft mews and moans.  He begged Rin to put it in, “Rin - Rin please.”

But, Rin didn’t obey.  Not yet, he enjoyed fingering Nitori, it had been such a long time since he had been inside him.  It made his dick twitch with anticipation.

Nitori groaned, but then his voice changed, he knew how to get what he wanted, from Rin at least, “S-sempai,” he turned his face to see Rin’s.

Rin froze hearing it.  He stopped moving his fingers inside of Nitori.

“Please, sempai, put it in me,” Nitori panted.

Rin didn’t obey immediately, but he leaned over and licked up Nitori’s left butt cheek and planted a kiss on Nitori’s back, he kept his eyes lowered on Nitori’s pale back, “Nitori...I…I’m sorry.”

Nitori exhaled, “I don’t care about that, Rin, I want it so bad.  I wanna have you in me, please -”

Rin removed his fingers and then slid the vibrator inside of Nitori.  He set it high.  Higher than he would have, but he didn’t want to do this slowly.

“Ah, Rin, feels so good, ah -” Nitori’s dick had begun to feel tight in the ring.

Rin watched him writhing in pleasure and he felt himself become even harder.  He wanted to be in Nitori.  It was hard to look at Nitori without wanting to inside of him.  How had he not gone for Nitori more recently than this?  He couldn’t remember.  Nitori continued to moan, and Rin watched him.  He was in a bit of a fog from the high.  Nitori begged and begged for Rin to fuck him, and Rin let him go on for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally, Rin narrowed his eyes, “I’m gonna do you.”

“Thank fucking god, Rin,” Nitori exhaled.  He was sweating, he was so full of desire.  Rin removed the vibrator, but not the cockring.  He slid into Nitori without a problem.

Nitori’s body shook when Rin entered him.  The cuffs made a loud metallic sound as they slammed against the frame, “R-Rinnn - uwah -”

Rin arched his back, he wanted to be as deep as possible inside of Nitori.  It had been so long since he’d been inside the smaller man, and Nitori was so fucking tight.  Rin wrapped one of his hands around Nitori’s dick, causing the smaller man to buckle, “D-don’t do that.  Puh-please, it already hurts.”

Nitori was talking about the ring which had indeed stopped Nitori from expanding.  But, Rin didn’t listen to him.  Instead, he kept his hand on Nitori’s cock, causing Nitori to spasm and continue to clench around Rin.

“God Nitori, you are fucking amazing,” Rin closed his eyes.

Nitori’s body continued to shake, “Please Rin, I can’t.  It’s too much.  Ah -”

Rin had to agreed.  He too longed for release, he removed the cockring and Nitori moaned.  Rin pumped him, and practically screamed for Rin to cum in him.

Rin groaned, “Nitori, cum with me.  Cum now.”

Nitori obeyed and the two came together, “Ah - Rin - I’m - sempai ah - god ahhh -”

Nitori’s cum hit Haruka’s bed, and Rin came deep inside of Nitori.  He pulled out and collapsed on the bed.  Nitori couldn’t move though as he was still changed to the bed.

“Um,” Nitori looked over at Rin.

“Yeah?” Rin’s eyes were closed, he was recovering.

Nitori frowned, “Uh.”

Rin opened them and looked at him, the look on his face was that of complete bliss, “You’re staying like that.  I’m not done with you yet.”

Nitori’s mouth dropped a bit, “R-Rin.”

Rin turned on his side and kissed Nitori, “We have a lot of time to make up for.”

 

XXX

 

Haruka came home soon after Rin was fully spent.

Rin was ready for him.  He greeted Haruka, “Oh, Haru. Welcome home! So, good to see you. Since you fucking destroyed our other hobby together, I thought we could have a new one.”

Haru looked at his bed, this was his apartment, and apparently, Rin had decided to bring Nitori to it and fuck him. If he hadn't been sure that it was time to end things with Rin, this would have definitely pushed him closer to there.

“Get out,” Haru said to Nitori.

Rin waved a hand and commanded Nitori, “No, no. Stay.”

Nitori didn’t move.  He was un-cuffed, and he was leaning against the headboard with Rin.  Haruka’s eyes fell on the cuffs and on his vibrator, then they went back to Nitori.  Nitori gave him a smirk, yeah, Haruka, I did.

Then, Rin turned and spoke to Haru, “You see, I was thinking, I was like, I like swimming and that's all fucked up. What else do I like that would hurt you as much as you hurt me today? And then I was like I like fucking and Haru hates when I fuck other people. But, you know what else I realized? That wasn't mean enough.  I fuck other people all the time.

“So I was like, how can I fuck Haru's day as much as he fucked up mine? And then, I knew! All I had to do was call up, ’Tori. But, after I was balls deep, I realized this wasn't fair. Swimming was our hobby, we did it together. But, we can't fuck ’Tori together. Well, we can, but I already did,” Rin laughed, but then he continued, he decided to go with what Nitori had said before, “Then it hit me, you could fuck him too.  I asked him if he'd mind. He said no. So, go ahead Haru, fuck ’Tori, I don't fucking care. I don't care about anything.”

“It wasn't like today was particularly good for me either,” Haru said. His expression was empty.

Drunk, high, whatever Rin was, was bad enough, but Haruka did not want to do this in front of Nitori, “Please get out.”

Nitori rolled his eyes, but got up off the bed and started to walk away, “Your boyfriend's so boring. I don't know why you let him be by you so long.”

“S'not my boyfriend. I don't have boyfriends.  You know that, ’Tori.”

Haru eyed Rin thoughtfully. Nitori laughed and shut the door behind him, leaving Haru's apartment, Nitori had obviously been on something too, but it was nothing compared to the level that Rin was at right then.

“What's with that fucking look, Haru? Are you sad cause I broke our rules? Does it hurt? Cause it's nothing compared to what you did to me today.”

Haru furrowed a brow, “Let's just put you to bed, okay?”

“Nothing?! Are you fucking kidding me? I fucked Nitori, who you hate, who you specifically asked me to never fuck, in your bed, and nothing?!” Rin snorted, “you really don't give a single shit about me, do you?”

Haru ignored Rin's attempts to incite an argument and instead asked, “Rin, did you ever love me?  Ever?”

Rin rolled his eyes, “No such thing, Haru.”

Haru knew Rin would reply with that, but it made him even sadder than it used to.  A different type of sadder, because for once, when Rin said it, Haruka honestly believed Rin felt that way.  Rin continued, “It's something people tell themselves because we're all alone in the end. The only way to be connected is to fuck someone, so c'mere and fuck me.”

“Not gonna fuck you, it's time for bed,” and Haru tucked Rin in to his bed. He'd deal with the breaking up when Rin was sober enough to remember it.

Rin’s buzz wore off and he sobbed a bit as he came down from the high, and Haru ran his fingers through Rin's hair. Then, Rin passed out.

 

XXX

 

Rin was awake.  It was the following day.  He opened his eyes to see Haruka sitting in front of him with breakfast.

“Wow, breakfast in bed. I thought you'd get pissed at me over what happened with Nitori. That or you'd go on and on about my partying,” Rin was surprised.

Haru said nothing.

“Ah, so you are mad. Go ahead, lecture me,” Rin nibbled on the eggs.

“We need to talk.”

Rin rolled his eyes, “Didn't we do enough of that yesterday, when you told me that I needed to quit the team and get my shit together?”

“We need to break up, Rin.”

Rin started to drop his fork, but quickly recovered it, “You can't break up with someone you're not in a relationship with. We can stop fucking if that's what you want. I've told you since the high school, Haru, we could stop anytime you wanted. We have in the past,” he was referring to when Haruka had been with Makoto in Europe.

“It's more than that,” Haru was firm, “we need to be out of each other's lives.”

“Are you that mad that I started using again? And that I fucked Nitori here?”  Wasn’t this only a game?  Rin wondered.  And as a result, Rin couldn’t help, but feel a bit of pleasure.  He was really upset about what Haruka had done, and it seemed like he had truly been able to get even.  Still, he didn’t want to be thrown out.  He just wanted Haruka to feel the same pain he had.

Haru sat on the bed, “No.”

“Then, what?”

“You and I, we, don't work.”

“You're just figuring that out? Aren't you the one who always wanted more than just whatever this is?”

Haru didn't answer, instead he blurted, “How could you not tell me about your Mom?! In all these fucking years?”

Rin made a puzzled expression, trying to determine how Haru figured it out. Finally, he realized, “Nagisa can't hold his alcohol worth a shit, can he?” Seeing Haru's expression though, he added, “S'not like it matters anymore.”

Haru didn't smile or smirk or anything, “Oh, but it does.”

Rin raised a brow.

“I always thought someday we'd stop fucking with each other and just be happy. Rin, this rivalry, it was bullshit.  These games they’re all just in your head. I've loved you since the minute I met you, but you-”

“Love doesn't exist, Haru.”

“It does, Rin,” Haru put a hand on Rin's cheek. It had been a long time since he had made a truly romantic and gentle gesture towards Rin, and the softness of it seemed to catch Rin off-guard, “And it's partly my fault that you're this way. If only, I'd seen the full picture, maybe I could have been different and we could have done this right. But, I didn't. And you refused to talk to me. And that's just how we are. We don't communicate, and so, we hurt each other. We let everything get bottled up, and now -”

“Now, it's all coming apart.”

Haru nodded.

“So, what does this mean?” Rin asked.

“It means we live our lives. Separately.”

“You're really serious about this?”

“I've been fucking up a long time, Rin, and so have you, but now, now I have to stop. I have to do the right thing.”

Rin frowned, “And that means, no more...”

Haru nodded.

Rin thought in passing, so this is what a hangover feels like.  But, he knew what the best hangover cure was.  A little hair of the dog that bit you.  And so, when he left Haruka’s apartment, he looked at his phone.  He knew exactly what he needed.  Last night hadn’t been enough.  He wanted to forget and he wanted more.

 

XXX

 

“So, you and Haruka are done now, huh?  Guess that means we can get high and fuck as often as we want,” they were sitting in the suite in the Imperial Palace Hotel.  It was the same place where the two of them had gone after Rin had set records as an undergrad.  It had been Rin’s idea to meet here.  After all, some of their best times in the past were here, and he wanted to go back to those times.

The night that Haruka dumped him, Rin went out with Nagisa, but it wasn’t enough.  Rin couldn’t get Nitori out of his head.  So, when Nagisa left his apartment, Rin called Nitori.  It only took minutes for the two of them to meet up.  It had taken even less time for them break out their own stashes.  Nitori had a better variety of drugs, but Rin had a larger stash of painkillers.

“That’s right,” Rin answered.  He was high.  He felt some far off pain, but the oxy was taking it away.

Nitori leaned up against Rin, “Sounds nice.”

Rin looked over at him and he kissed Nitori’s cheek softly, “Yeah.  Vay-fucking-cation at last.”

“So, are you going to quit the National Team?”

“Sure,” Rin was too high to fucking care about that anymore.

“Not that it matters, you’re a fucking Olympian after all.  You’ll always be a fucking star,” Nitori rolled his eyes.

Rin agreed, “Yeah.”

They spent a long time up there in that suite.  They fucked, they got high, rinse and repeat.  Once in awhile, Rin would get a text from Nagisa checking on him, which Rin mostly ignored.  His ex-coach did the same, and Rin completely ignored those.  He hated thinking about how much time passed.

But, things changed one night when the two of them were getting high.

 

XXX

 

“Rin everyone has a price,” Nitori explained taking a hit.

“Oh?  And how much money do I have to spend to buy you?  I’ve got plenty now, in case you forgot, I’m a fucking Olympian.”

“Not money.”

“Really?  I’d heard you were cut off, I only assumed, after all, I’m the one paying for this,” and he was.  It was his card on file, not that he minded.  There was something satisfying about becoming rich given his past with Nitori.

“Haha.  You don’t get it Rin.  When you’re born rich, you’re never not rich.  Even if you lose all your money or even if you get cut off.  See that’s the difference between earning money and growing up with class, I’ll always have people who want to do anything to be by me.  Like you for example.  Happy to pay for this hotel.  I never fucking need money, but either way, you’re wrong.  I have plenty of my own money.  I wasn’t cut off,” Nitori spat.

Rin rolled his eyes, he figured that Nitori’s mom would always continue to fund his bullshit fest.  Either way, Rin was not in the mood to listen to Nitori whine about how rough it was to be rich, “Well?  What’s your price then?”

“You really don’t know?  Not after all these years?” Nitori looked down and closed his eyes.  He didn’t think he was high enough for this conversation, so he grabbed one of Rin’s pills.

Rin simply shrugged.

“If you’re too fucking blind to see it, then I’m not going to say it.”

“Fine, whatever.” Rin took another hit, he was done playing mind games with Nitori for the night.  He just wanted to get high and continue his escape.

Nitori didn’t let the topic drop.  He couldn’t let it go.  He’d been in love with Rin too long.  Rin had avoided this conversation for too long, this time his voice was quieter, “You really don’t see it even after all this time, do you?”

Rin looked at the younger man.  Rin was leaning against the headboard and he was stoned, but something about all of this felt wrong.  He had been trying to avoid what Haruka had said, he had been doing anything to avoid what Haruka had said.  But, everyone seemed to want something from him and Nitori was no different.  Finally, he declared, “We have to stop this.”

“What?  Why?”

“I just...I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Nitori rolled his eyes, “You’ve been such a bore for such a long time, Rin.  When you called me that night, I thought you were back to your old self.  Your fun self.  But, ever since you switched to public school, back when we were in high school, you changed.  Haruka changed you and you’ve been a bore ever since.”

Rin lifted his head and lowered it back against the headboard, “I know what you mean.  And I’m sorry for that.  Really, I think in another universe, you and I were probably made for each other.  We’re both so fucked up.”

“That’s not nice to say,” Nitori frowned.  Rin knew what Nitori had wanted, but of course, it wasn’t Nitori that Rin wanted.  Nitori knew this, but Rin kept doing this.  He kept drawing Nitori in again and again and reminding him that there was no one in the world like Rin.  And Nitori knew, Rin would continue to do this.  Even if Rin stopped now, it would only be temporary.

“It’s true though.  But, Nitori, I can’t do this shit with you anymore.  I’ve got to be a better person.”

“Why?  Are you going to win Haruka-chan back?” Nitori rolled his eyes and reached for the bag of coke.  He set up another line.

“No.  I’ve fucked up too much to get him back.  He needs to just be free of me.”

“Then, why bother stopping this?  You may as well be with me,” He leaned over and inhaled the line, and then, he shook a bit feeling the high.

“We’re bad people.  And when we’re together, we’re even worse.”

Nitori’s expression changed, “You know, all those years ago, I was right about you.  It doesn’t matter how much I want you.  You’d never be able to understand me.  You’re just like every other boring person on this planet.”

“I know.”

Nitori leaned over and he touched Rin’s face, the same way that Haruka had when he broke Rin’s heart, “When you get weak enough though, you’ll call me.  You always do.  I was your first after all.  That’s why you called me and fucked me when you were mad at him.  And since Haruka’s out of the picture, you can do that any time now.”

“Not going to anymore.  This is the last time.”

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

And the two of them passed out on the hotel’s bed.  But when morning came, Rin threw him out.  Once and for all.  

“You’re serious about this?” Nitori asked, drawing his first sober breath for the first time in a long time.

Rin nodded, “Yeah.  It’s the right thing to do.  For both of us.”

“You’re wrong, Rin.  This is a terrible mistake.  You’ll never be as happy as I make you.”

Rin sighed, he couldn’t be sure about that.  He couldn’t be sure about any of this.  But, for once, he knew he had to just be single.  No Nitori, no Haruka.  Just Rin.  At the time, he didn’t know it, but that would be the last time that Rin ever saw Nitori.

Rin focused on himself.  Although it didn’t change any of the rest of his behavior, Rin hoped that somewhere in the world, if Haruka had known about this, he’d be proud.  But, Rin knew it was selfish to even think such a thing.

I’m such an asshole.

 

XXX

 

“You threw him out?” Nagisa asked, surprised.  He had expected Rin and Nitori to be together.  Everyone had to come up for air at some point, he figured that was all that was happening, when Rin had called him to hang out.  Rin couldn’t stay cooped up fucking in a hotel forever.  But, throwing Nitori out, surprised Nagisa.  

The pair was getting Ramen together at their typical spot.  Rin hadn’t completely recovered from his breakup with Haruka, but he was back in his own apartment and he seemed to at least somewhat return to reality.

Rin nodded, “It was time.”

“How do you feel?”

Rin laughed, “Truthfully?  Depressed.  I don’t think there’s anyone in the world for me.  I can’t be with Nitori, I can’t be Haruka.  I think I’m just doomed to be alone.  Not that I’d want it any different, but it’s a little sad, when you finally realize that.”

Nagisa’s eyes widened, it wasn’t like Rin to say something like that.  He must have been really bothered by kicking out Nitori...That combined with losing Haruka.  Nagisa had to admit he was surprised.  He had expected Rin to spiral for longer.  Not that he wanted him to, but it just seemed to make sense given the situation.  Even including his binge, Rin was handling his breakup with Haruka much better than he expected, “You won’t end up alone.”

This made Rin’s expression change, “Yeah.  I know.  As long as I’m this fucking sexy, I’ll always be able to get someone to go home with me.”

And Rin ordered them a round of tripleshots.

Nagisa bit his lip.  This was difficult for him.  But, alcohol makes everything easier.

 

XXX

 

The time passed and Rin got used to being alone.  But, that didn’t last.  Nagisa ended up helping Haruka and Rin figure out their issues.  Neither of them had been handling their separation well.  It took time, but they figured out their issues, and they had a successful, healthy relationship.  Well, they did until Rin got a certain email.

 

XXX

 

Rin read the message again and again in his email.  He always checked his emails on his phone in the morning while Haruka prepared breakfast.

 

“Dear Rin,

 

I hope this email account works.  I would like to meet and speak with you about the death of someone close to you, Nitori Aiichiro.  He was a patient of mine.  His mother has asked me to contact you, as she would like to meet and see you.

 

Thank you,

Dr. M. Smith

111-111-1111”

 

XXX

 

XXX

 

Nitori closed the door.  He was drunk, he was high, and ultimately, he was just good.  He hadn’t felt this good in a long time.  No, there was really no drug like Rin Matsuoka.  And he had tried them all.  He stumbled his way over to the elevator in Haruka’s apartment complex.  That had been fun.

And, he knew it was only going to get better.  Yes, the moment that Haruka walked in the door, Nitori could tell things were going up for him.  He knew the look that Haruka wore.  He knew that look well.

Yes, this would be the end of Rin’s little tryst with Haruka.  After so many years, this era was finally coming to an end.

Nitori was certain about all of this, and that was part of what made the drunken high even better.  

It was a look that Nitori himself had been on the receiving end of a few times.  It was a look that conveyed pity, hate, love, and heartbreak all in a single expression.

Yes, Nitori was certain, Haruka knew.  Haruka knew everything.

And as a result, it was clear that Haruka had finally realized that he would never be the one for Rin.  And Rin, for as good as he thought of himself, Rin never came down from a high well.  Nitori knew it wouldn’t be long before he’d hear from Rin again.

Sure enough, Nitori was correct.  

But, that didn’t last forever.

 

XXX

 

Rin looked at Haruka who was standing in their kitchen making their pancakes.  Tradition.  Warmth.  A real home that was his.  This was something that Rin had gotten accustomed to.  But, the news hit him like a truck, and suddenly he was back lost again.  He was back alone again.  He was certain that there was no way that he could cover the shock on his face, but he also knew there was no way that Haruka would understand.  Still, Rin tried to find the words to explain what he had just received in the email, but he couldn’t say them.

“I...I have to go,” Rin said suddenly to Haruka.

Haruka turned his attention from the pancakes and looked at Rin confused, “What?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll be back later,” and Rin went out the door without another word.

“Rin?” Haruka called after Rin.  Then, he sighed and shook his head.

Rin walked to the Shinagawa subway station, pulled out a cigarette, and dialed the phone number that was in the email.  A man picked up, Rin spoke quickly between hits, “Hi, I’m Rin Matsuoka.  You emailed me about -?” Rin couldn’t even say the name.  He was in too much shock.

“Ah yes, Nitori...the tragedy.  His mother is in Tokyo right now, she’s staying at the Imperial Palace Hotel in the suite on the top floor.  She’d like to speak with you.  She has a box of Nitori’s things to give you.  She’s in the suite there.  Do you need directions?”

Rin looked at the ground.  He knew that suite and he knew that hotel.  Memories of Nitori came flooding back to him.

The man on the other end of the phone asked, “Hello?”

And Rin snapped back into reality, or as close as he could get to it, “Sorry.  No, I...No.  I know where that is.  I don’t need directions.”

The man was silent.

Rin’s eyes shut tightly, “Sorry, I just…”

The man’s voice was gentle, “I understand.  There is no pain in the world worse than losing someone you love.”

Rin leaned against one of the poles at the station.  He couldn’t respond.  He was in shock.  A million questions and thoughts were going through his head.  Nitori was too young...This can’t be happening...It’s impossible...What happened?  

He landed on one, but he couldn’t even ask it: Why?

Instead, Rin went with politeness, “Thank you.”

But, he wasn’t thankful.  A small voice in the back of his head said, If it had to happen, I wish I’d never known.

 

XXX

“You should take this with you too,” Rin said, handing Nitori the flask.

“You’re serious about this then, Rin?” Nitori asked eyes wide as his small hand wrapped around it, surprised and sickeningly sober and hurt.  Or was it just dope-sickness?  He It certainly was not that Nitori actually could have possibly been hurt by the prospect of losing Rin.  No, that was nothing new.

“I’m sure,” Rin’s voice was stern.  He was serious.

“Are you going to go win back Haruka-chan?” Nitori’s voice was poisonous.

But, Rin didn’t rise to the bait.  He answered Nitori honestly, “No.”

“Then, why?”

“Because, like I said last night, I’m too old for this shit.”

“And like I said last night, you’ll come back to me, Rin.  You always do,” Nitori couldn’t be sure though.  He tried to control his voice.  Rin Matsuoka could not break his heart.  Not again.

Rin shook his head, “Not this time.  You deserve better.”

Nitori laughed, “That’s a good one, Rin.  Well, you fucking decide.  I’m sure as hell not going to come crawling back to you.”

Nitori knew deep down that this was why they’d never work.  Nitori loved Rin and every time he told him, the message got garbled.  Rin didn’t want to actually hear it or actually address it and once the moment passed, Nitori got like this.  He got bitter.  Somehow, no matter what he had been through in all these years with Rin, Nitori had never given up his pride.

Rin didn’t respond.  Any response would have only made things worse.

And so, Nitori took the belongings standing next to him in the doorway and he left.  He didn’t say anything else to Rin, and Rin didn’t stop him.  Nitori sighed deeply.  This hadn’t gone as planned.  But, what in life ever did?

He went to the lobby of the Imperial Palace Hotel and found their private bathroom.  He needed a fix.  He needed something to get him straight.  He vomited into the toilet.  Then, he sat down on the toilet for a minute, gathering enough energy to pull out his paraphernalia.

As he reached in his bag, he saw his cellphone.  To satisfy his curiosity, he looked at his phone and was surprised to learn how much time had gone by since he had been locked in the hotel room with Rin.  More than a month was gone.  It felt like it hadn’t even been a week.  There were no messages on his phone, which didn’t come as a surprise.  There was no one in the world who missed him or needed him or anything.  And that was how he liked it.

He started to close it when he saw and email from his mother.  He felt a pang of guilt which confirmed that he definitely needed a fix.

The email was short.  They always were.  He wondered why she had never given up on him.  A mother never gives up on her son, that’s what she would say when he used to ask that in high school, and sure enough, she never had.  His father long ago had.  But, she still tried to reach out.

Strangely, it included an invitation for him to come home.  He actually gave it some thought.  He started to type out a yes, thinking I’ll just get straight, then I’ll go catch a train.  This time it’ll be different.  This time, I’ll be different.

But, he saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror.  His eyes were sunken, his lips were dry, he cheeks protruded, and his hair was thin.  When he imagined himself, he imagined himself at 18.  He imagined himself still looking as he did in boarding school, a confident, cocky jock.  For a minute, he’d forgotten.  The skin he walked in was no longer his own.

He started to lose his nerve.  He looked at the syringe in his bag.  He knew he’d get straight.  But, what else did he have?  Where else could he go?  And so, something powered him enough to write that he’d be there in a few hours.

 

XXX

 

Rin got off the train and was at the familiar station in downtown Tokyo.  He hadn’t been over here in years.  That’s the funny thing about living in a city.  You’d think that because they are small, you’d see the same places all the time, but you fall into habits.  You’re lucky if you leave the five block radius around your apartment.  And besides, Rin spent most of his time with Haruka out of the city.  He spent most of it in the countryside.

The storefronts had changed, but Rin didn’t notice that.  He was walking around downtown Tokyo as it looked in the past.  Every black car that drove by reminded him of the one that Nitori had brought him over here on the day that he had been scouted in college.  His eyes fell on the Imperial Palace Hotel, and he could hear Nitori’s voice, “I know it’s not a real vacation, but...I’m really happy for you, Rin.”

Rin opened the door to the hotel.  Their decorations were the same.  He went over to the check-in desk.  He remembered being drunk with Nitori after his breakup with Haruka.

“The top suite,” Rin slurred throwing his black Amex down on the counter.  He didn’t even notice the other families that he had cut in front of with Nitori.

The person behind the desk looked troubled, “S-sir, I’m going to have to ask you to go to the back of the line…”

“Don’t you know who we are?” Nitori laughed, “Have someone get our bags and send up champagne.”

The girl behind the desk looked horrified.

Rin was the one who spoke next, his tone was different than usual, but his patience was thin and he wanted to escape with Nitori, and he wanted a good fuck, “Hey.  We’re trying to have a fucking reunion here, bitch.  Don’t make me call your manager.  Get it started.”

“H-how long will you be staying?”

“As long as we want.  Just put the card on file and hand us the keys,” Rin’s hand went down Nitori’s back, causing Nitori to arch, “and hurry it up.”

Rin felt a bit guilty remembering that, but he had tipped her well, so he supposed it turned out okay.  He walked over to the desk and spoke with the attendant, “I’m here to see,” he couldn’t even finish the sentence, but his attention was drawn away when another woman called after him.

“Rin Matsuoka,” she was shorter than Rin had remembered her, “I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Nitori’s mother…”

“I do,” was all he could say.

Her expression was tired.  She was much older, and Rin was certain that losing her son had only added to her age, “I’m sorry to trouble you and have you come here, I just...I think Nitori would have wanted you to have this.”

She pulled him over to one of the couches in the lobby.  The box was small in her hands was small.  She sat beside him and transferred the box to him.  Her eyes were puffy, she had obviously been crying, but she seemed happy to see Rin, “Thank you for always being such a good friend to him.  I think you were probably the best influence he ever had in his life.”

This hurt Rin a lot.  He wondered if she had known what had gone on between them or how it ended.  He doubted it, but he knew that Nitori had always been close with his mother.

“He was always chattering about you back then,” her voice wavered a bit.

Rin put a hand on her shoulder, trying to console her.

“S-sorry,” She raised a hand to apologize.

Rin didn’t say anything.

“I know that you and Nitori weren’t speaking,” she began.

Rin’s expression darkened and he started to pull his hand back, unsure where the conversation was going.

“I don’t blame you for that, I understand how he was,” she quickly stated, realizing how it sounded, “I just meant, I thought, I thought you might want to know what happened.”

Rin’s expression softened, he nodded urging her to continue.

“He...came home a few years ago.  December 20th, three years ago,” she went on.

Rin knew that date, that was the date that he checked out of the Imperial Palace Hotel.

“I...I was so happy he came home.  I called him back for New Years, but I never thought he’d come home.  He was strung out, and I confiscated everything.  It wasn’t the first time we had tried this, and his father was less than happy, but, I thought we had to give it another chance.  He was sober for three years, things had started to get better.  His father even managed to come around about having him home again,” there was some light in her eyes as she talked about this, “I thought that I had found him again.  I thought my boy was finally back again.  He enrolled in some college classes.  I think he regretted dropping out so many years ago.  We even started to travel again.”

“And one month ago, when I went in to tell him that dinner was ready, he was gone.  In his place, there was a note on his bed.  The note just said ‘I’m sorry.’”

Rin’s eyes widened, thinking the worst.  But, her story wasn’t over yet.

She paused, wiping her nose with a handkerchief, and her voice shook, “I didn’t know what to think, obviously.  But, we always knew it was a possibility, maybe it was something we expected from him.  I don’t know why, but I guess, even I never fully believed in him.  Somehow, even I knew it was just a hopeless dream.

“We reported him missing of course, but heard nothing.  Nitori didn’t want to be found.  Later that week, I went to my safe in the closet to get out one of my necklaces, because my husband and I were going to a dinner at a friend’s that night, and it was emptied.  My husband checked his accounts and sure enough Nitori was back here in Tokyo again doing God knows what,” her voice cracked.

Rin put the box down on the ground beside his feet, and pulled her into a hug.  This was all knew information for him, there were so many questions that he had, but he knew it wasn’t his place.

When she was ready, she continued, “Anyway, my husband cut him off then, and I couldn’t even fight with him about it anymore.  I sent Nitori one email, but he never responded,” her voice changed for the next part of the story.  Thus far, it had been soft, gentle and broken, for the rest, it was cold and distant.  Far off, like she herself couldn’t accept that the words were true.  It sounded like she was giving a police report, “A week ago, he was found dead in his apartment in Shinjuku, choked on his own vomit.  His cellphone was in his hand.”

She stopped.  And Rin gave her another embrace.  Rin had been trying not to cry, he had been trying so hard not to cry, but he felt guilty and it was even worse being here with Nitori’s mom.

She added, “I think we failed him in the end.  I think it’s all really our fault.”

Rin shook his head, “No.  You tried your best.  I’m sure Nitori knew that too.”

He consoled her as best he could, and then he took the box and went to walk the streets of Tokyo.

 

XXX

 

Nitori was drunk.  It had been literally years since he had been this drunk.  He had found himself this shit apartment when he fled his parents house, and he somehow had managed to keep himself from the dope, but he wanted alcohol.  He had gone to a liquor store and bought several types.  He mostly had kept himself under control, but he wasn’t happy.  This hadn’t gone the way he had expected it to, not this trip, not his life, not anything, and tonight, tonight he was determined to be drunk.

He’d spent three years running away from his problems.  Yes, sure, he had been sober, yes, sure, he had gone home and been the good son, but he wasn’t clean.  No, you are not clean, until you face your demons.  And all of Nitori’s demons lived in Tokyo.  That was how he had ended up here.  He had originally come here to face his demons.  He had come here to prove once and for all that he could take money and not spend it on chemical happiness.

Or had he taken it to get high?  Not that it had mattered.  Here he was and he hadn’t bought anything, well, he’d bought alcohol.  But, for Nitori that hardly counted.

He looked around his room.  The place was practically barren.  He had a desk, his cellphone, and his bed.  There were some empty bottles of beer and there was a big bottle of champagne that was empty.  All of that he had drunk within the last few hours on a mostly empty stomach.  He hadn’t be able to feel the alcohol.  It was like he wasn’t able to get drunk, and so instead of just accepting that and being the good son and going home, he kept drinking.

He wanted to escape.  He wanted to be free from the shit back home.  He wanted to be free from his parents disappointing looks.  He wanted to be free from the knowledge that Rin was never going to call him again.  The nightmares with that knowledge haunted him.  Most of all though, he was alone.  He was absolutely alone in the world and he would never have anyone.  He’d always known this.  But, he thought that it’d eventually become something he could look back on.  No, he had failed.  Nitori had had opportunities that most people could never have and he had squandered them all.

Stealing from the safe was no different.  Now even his Mom was sure to believe he was hopeless.  Had he been trying to prove that?

Nitori wondered why he wasn’t drunk.  Wasn’t alcohol supposed to make you forget?  Why wasn’t it?  And so he kept drinking.

He drank until it was out of his control.  And then, it was simply too late.

A thousand thoughts went through his mind.  This is what happens when you get drunk enough.  He cried, he laughed, he thought about how alone he was, and then, he laughed again.  And then, he didn’t think anything.  The room spun and he could hardly keep his head up.  

He laid down on his bed and felt nauseous.  He knew what was coming and he knew that he should go over to the bathroom to do it, but he couldn’t find the energy to move.  He vomited all over the bed and himself.  He couldn’t smell it or taste it, he was too drunk.  He laid in it for a bit.

He started to black out.

Is this it?  Is this the end?  Am I finally going to be free?

Suddenly, he felt immense regret.  He realized for the first time ever that not only were his problems his own fault, but that he could fix them himself.  

He just had to let go of his pride.  

He just had to make one phone call.  

If he made that phone call everything could be better.  

He reached for his phone that was sitting on the desk next to his bed.  He took it into his hand.  

He steadied himself.  And he felt the nausea hit him again.  He threw up a second time and his head fell.  He couldn’t keep it up.  It weighed too much.

Everything hurt, but he pushed further.

He turned on the phone, and his head went to the side.  He was on the verge of blackout.

Just a bit more.

The phone beeped on, and Nitori spent all of his energy trying to get his coordination to work with him.

Don’t black out.

Just a bit more.

Just find Rin’s name.

The names were all fuzzy on the screen.  Everything was fuzzy.  He found it though.  Nitori dialed the number.  He heard the rings.

He thought about what he would say as his eyes started to close, and he continued to vomit.

Rin, I want to see you.  I want to be with you.  I want us to try doing this right.  And I don’t care what you say.  You have to give me a chance.  Just one chance.

The ringing stopped, and while there was darkness, Nitori continued to fight.  He had to live.  He had to live long enough to make the words reach Rin.  His lips moved and sounds came out.

“Rrrrrin...Rin…” he coughed from the vomit.

It was so dark though.  And it was hard.  And eventually, Nitori couldn’t fight back anymore.  He was simply gone.

 

XXX

 

Rin didn’t pick up the phone that night.  Rin didn’t pick up because the call never went through.  Nitori hadn’t been able to dial it.  When he was found, his hand simply rested on the phone.  There were no calls placed to anyone.

 

XXX

 

Rin walked the streets around the imperial hotel for a long time.  He walked for miles.  He didn’t open the box.  

He ended up in front of his old apartment building near Tokyo University somehow.  He sat down on a bench near it.  His phone had buzzed several times and Rin was certain that there were quite a few texts from Haruka, but he ignored them all.  He scrolled down to a different number and dialed it.

While he waited for the other man to join him, Rin decided to finally open the box.  Inside he found two bottles of Nitori’s Guerlain cologne, a flask, and a journal.  Rin sprayed it and closed his eyes.  He was suddenly back in their dorm room, and it was their first day meeting each other.  They were drinking from the predecessor to this flask back in their old room.

A tear went down Rin’s face and it finally hit him that Nitori was gone.  

Still, he forced himself to continue.  Nitori’s mother’s voice echoed in his head, and he knew, Nitori would have wanted me to at least look.  He would have wanted to me to acknowledge this.

The final object surprised him, he had never thought of Nitori as someone to keep a journal.  Rin assumed that it may have had something to do with Nitori’s attempt at recovery, but he was proven wrong.  It seemed to be something that Nitori had kept for much longer.  When Rin opened the cover of it, the first thing that he found inside was a photo of himself.  It was his old roommate card.

Rin skimmed through the entries until he was joined by Nagisa.

 

XXX

 

“So what’s up?  What kind of emergency is this?” Nagisa asked Rin.

The two of them were sitting at their old ramen stand, and Rin ordered a beer, he didn’t know how to explain it, but he began, “Something...something really terrible happened.

“I...I haven’t figured out how to talk to Haruka yet about it, and I figured I’d talk to you first and then, maybe, I wouldn’t have to talk to Haruka about it.  It could just be our little secret.”

Nagisa raised an eyebrow.  He didn’t like the way that this sounded, “What happened?”

“Nitori’s dead,” somehow, what he had struggled earlier to tell Haruka, to at least give Haruka an explanation for where he was going, he could lay out easily for Nagisa.  Well, maybe that wasn’t entirely true.  Rin was still not sure that he had accepted it.

Nagisa looked shocked.  But, then his expression hardened and he sighed, “You are going to have to talk to Haruka about this.”

“Dammit,” Rin sighed, he knew that.  Deep down he did, but he didn’t want to.  It was going to be a tough conversation, “I knew that...I just...I wanted to talk to you first, I don’t want to say something stupid to him.”

Nagisa nodded, “I know what you mean.  But, Rin, you probably will.”

Rin frowned.

“But, you still have to talk to him, that’s what being in a relationship is.  It’s working through problems together,” Nagisa emphasized the last word.

Rin nodded.  He knew all of that, but it was a lot easier to be in a relationship with Haruka before this had happened.

“How do you feel about it?”

“It’s complicated,” Rin answered.  The answer was honest.

Nagisa took a bite of the egg in his ramen, “And?”

“I just...I wish Nitori had talked to me.  I wish I hadn’t ended things the way that I did.  I threw him out, but I mean...from what his Mom said, and from what he wrote, he was doing well for awhile.  I think, maybe if he had contacted me when things went south, maybe this wouldn’t have happened,” Rin choked up a bit.  He tried hard to push these emotions away, but it was Nitori.

“Don’t think about it that way,” Nagisa sighed, “Rin, Nitori was always a bad influence on you.  Getting him out of your life was the best thing you ever did for yourself, and I think that it was good overall for him too.”

“Fuck you, Nagisa.”

Nagisa spoke softly and carefully, for a minute, he had forgotten that Nitori was such a sore subject.  It was hard for Nagisa to balance both his loyalties to Rin and his loyalties to Haruka, “You know I’m right.  If you hadn’t thrown him out, you wouldn’t have ever gotten back together with Haruka.”

“I...I...I know that...I just...I wish there could have been some way to make them both happy, some way where it didn’t happen like this.”

Nagisa frowned, “Only Nitori himself could have done that part differently.”

 

XXX

 

Shortly after his conversation with Nagisa, Rin went home to face the music with Haruka.  Rin opened the door, with the box in hand.  Rin’s expression was empty, “Haru…”

Haruka looked up from the couch at Rin, “Where the hell have you been?  I’ve been so worried.  You just went off and you didn’t answer your phone.”

“I’m sorry,” Rin said softly.  He was still having trouble handling the information himself.

“Well?”

Rin sat down next to him, “There’s...there’s something I have to tell you.”

Haruka looked long and hard at Rin.  Something about the redhead was off, and Haruka couldn’t place it.  But, then he realized, he had seen this expression before.  It was the same expression that Rin made when he felt like he’d done something wrong.  Haruka sighed, he closed his eyes and then, he asked, “Did you cheat?”

“What?!  No!” Rin exclaimed, offended that Haruka would ask that.  They were so far past that point in their relationship, “No, of course not.”  

Haruka raised a brow and looked confused at Rin, “Then, what?”

“It’s Nitori,” Rin said, resting his forehead in his hands.

Haruka felt his body tighten and his hands clenched into fists.

“He’s dead, Haru,” Rin’s voice was hollow.

Haruka didn’t ask for any explanations beyond that.  Haruka’s eyes narrowed, and he instinctively put an arm around Rin.  The two sat in silence for awhile.

“You loved him,” Haruka said finally, “he was your first love, so, of course, you’d be upset.”

“No.  I loved you first, Haruka,” Rin sighed, and then, he added softly, “but he -” Rin sighed, “It’s complicated.”

Haruka closed his eyes hard, “What happened?”

“I...I don’t know.  It’s hard to say.  He choked on his own vomit, but…” Rin’s voice cracked and broke.

Haruka frowned.

Rin continued when he could, his voice cracked again, and he did something of a laugh as a result, he was trying to prevent himself from crying, “I...I think he probably killed himself that night.  I mean, not directly, but I just...  I read his journals and I just...he was doing so much better and then, something in him broke.  His psychiatrist or something contacted me.  That’s how I found out, and then, I went to see his mother, and I just, I can’t, Haruka.  I just can’t believe it.  I never thought, I mean.  I didn’t think I’d see him again, I just didn’t think he’d die either.”

Haruka let out a long, hard sigh.

Rin’s eyes were closed and there were tears in them, “It’s my fault...I shouldn’t have thrown him out.”

Haruka bit his the inside of his lower lip.  This was a difficult position for him to be in.  He hadn’t wanted Rin to be around Nitori.  He thought that Nitori was a horrible influence on Rin and vice versa.  Besides, he couldn’t trust the two of them together.  Nitori had sunk into Rin in ways that Haruka had a hard time competing with.  But, he hadn’t wanted Nitori to die either.  No one would ever hope for it to turn out this way.  He spoke in an almost whisper, “It’s not your fault, Rin.”

Rin put his head on Haruka’s shoulder, “No, I know, but...I just…”

Haruka embraced him, “You should go visit his grave, Rin.”

Rin nodded.

“If you want me to come, I can.”

Rin sobbed a bit more loudly, his head was still on Haruka’s shoulder, “Haru...I’m so sorry.  I...I didn’t want to put you in this position.”

Haruka closed his eyes, “It’s not your fault Rin.”

 

XXX

 

The next day, Rin went to see Nitori’s grave.  On the ride over, a song came on the radio by Panic at the Disco.  It was an old song.  Rin remembered hearing it back when he was in boarding school.  Rin sang along to it softly.

Ever since we met

I only shoot up with your perfume

It's the only thing

That makes me feel as good as you do

Ever since we met

I've got just one regret to live through

And that one regret is you

When they arrived, Rin told Haruka to sit in the car.  Haruka obeyed.  Rin brought the bottle of cologne with him to the grave from the box.  Nitori’s parents had put a bench up, and over all, it was a pretty place.  It was right under a cherry blossom tree and peaceful.  Rin sat for a moment.  He closed his eyes and sprayed the cologne in the air.  Rin thought back to when Nitori had stayed with him.  Rin sighed.

“What the hell were you thinking?  Why didn’t you call me?” He asked out loud.

There was no response, of course.  A soft breeze went by though.

And so, Rin cried.  Time went by.  He didn’t know, or even care how long it was.  He just kept crying.

Finally, he collected himself, and he said, “I’m sorry I did this to you...I...it wasn't supposed to be this way."

After that, at last, he walked back to the car, and found Haruka sitting in the passenger seat face forward with his eyes closed.  He slowly turned his head and looked over at Rin.  He didn’t say anything he waited for Rin to speak.

Rin smiled, “Thank you.”

Rin leaned over and kissed Haruka on the cheek.  Haruka nodded, and Rin rested his head on Haruka’s shoulder, and soon after, the two of them went home.

 

XXX

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N:
> 
>  
> 
> welp that’s it. did you cry? i cried.
> 
>  
> 
> you guys should know, my favorite part of this entire story is the scene where haruka asks rin if he cheated. it was the first one i wrote, when i began this.


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